The Nomination:

Allison poured her heart into her "Family" series, and each story was touching in its own way. But of them all (and she could always add on - hint, hint!), I'd have to say "The Healing" really spoke to my heart. Sue's struggle with depression was very real, and very painful, and Allison showed very clearly that it isn't something that a person can overcome overnight, or just because those they love want them to. And sometimes, the best help comes from a most unexpected place. I have gone back to re-read it more than once when I found myself struggling with the blues, and take heart from the hope it brings. I think this is a good story to include in our Showcase, as a fine example of writing around a difficult subject with poise, class, and dignity. Well done, Allison!

Chapter 1

The team were all busy working on the unending ream of paperwork that followed any case, boredom levels were high. Normally pranks would be pulled, jokes made and laughter ringing out in between work. Today there was an air of sadness about the room.

Myles was quiet and withdrawn, his heart in tatters over his and Amy's break up. Although part of him understood her reasoning he couldn't switch of his own feelings and heart. He loved her, it was as simple and as complicated as that.

Bobby was also quiet, worry over his sisters illness and the fact that she had returned to London and her tour. He was also concerned about Myles. His friend was hurting badly and Bobby felt caught in the middle of Myles and Amy. He looked up over the forms he was filling in and looked at the distinguished agent sadly. It wasn't fair to say Amy was bouncing back, but she was dealing with it well, maybe because it had been her decision, maybe because she needed to concentrate on herself at the moment and her battle with MS, she had had a couple of scary attacks but luckily she had recovered quickly. He just prayed it would always be like that.

Myles on the other hand was so obviously hurting, he had reverted to the old Myles, biting sarcasm and glaring at anyone who so much as looked at him. Bobby sighed all any of them could do was support him and let him work it out for himself. if it meant that they had to take a few verbal punches then they were all willing to do that, he was their friend part of their family.

Bobby looked over at Jack. Something was wrong with Jack and Sue as well, but he didn't know what it was, he had tried to get Jack to open up but he wouldn't. That concerned Bobby, they had shared many problems over the years, he was worried that maybe their marriage was having problems. As much as they loved each other Bobby understood that every relationship hit a bad patch and skidded slightly, he just hoped he was wrong.

Tara looked at her screen, not really seeing the information there, her mind kept replaying the look that James had given Lucy last night when he picked Tara up for their date. she shook her head, maybe she was imagining it. James was a really great guy. Wasn't he?

Jack watched Sue sitting staring into space, he was really concerned about her, she had become so quiet and withdrawn, she hardly spoke or signed to anyone and she was exhausted all the time. When he had suggested that she go and see the doctor she had had been furious, telling him there was nothing wrong. He knew there was though but didn't know how to help her. She had refused to talk about her feelings over Lizbets pregnancy since their first brief conversation. he sighed and watched his wife quietly.

Sue sat with head down and eyes averted, as she did most of the time these days, Levi really had to work hard at the moment, Sue didn't notice anything these days, nor did she want to.
She looked at the video but it made no sense, she couldn't transcribe it at all, she was just too tired of reading, she didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't want to do anything anymore except go back to bed, pull the covers over her head and will the world away, but she couldn't. But she could ignore most of the world so long as she didn't look up. She never stopped to think of the wonders she would miss like that, she had forgotten that there were any wonders. Her world had become just shades of grey and she was too tired to care anymore or wonder why she felt like this.

Chapter 2

The work day had finally ended and the gang were heading home, Lucy and Tara were the first to leave, Tara had another date tonight but the two women were going to hit the shops before they closed, Tara wanted a new outfit.

Bobby was next to leave, Storm was in a school play tonight and he and Lizbet were going to take her for a burger after, he had to rush, the play started at 6pm, he hurried out the room calling a general goodbye over his shoulder, part of him was glad to go, he needed to get away from the feelings in the room for a while, it was enough to make him turn to drugs he thought with a small shake of his head and smile. At least he could joke about it now, even if it was only to himself. He still attended counseling once a week, and was still on medication but he was doing well. Now he just needed the others to sort themselves out.

Jack, Sue and Levi were next to go, Jack went over to Myles's desk "Don't stay to late Myles" Jack told his friend quietly knowing it was useless, Security had told him he rarely went home before midnight most nights, Jack wasn't sure what it was he did, because his pile of work didn't seem to be going down any. Jack sighed feeling for Myles, Amy had put him through a lot during their relationship and it seemed no better now they had split. He stood in front of Myles wanting to say more but not sure what, he turned sadly and left instead.

Jack drove in silence, he seemed to live in silence a lot these days, he wouldn't mind if it was because he was signing, but Sue didn't even do that. He had to admit he preferred it when Sue spoke, he still wasn't fully confident in his signing skills, there was so much he had yet to learn, even having been with Sue for so long. But he understood that sometimes she had enough of lip reading, signing was easier for her.

Jack also felt out of his depth when Sue's Deaf friends came round, he couldn't keep up with them at all, and although Sue always tried to include him, inevitably there were times when he felt excluded. There was also a couple of people in her circle of friends who distrusted him for being hearing. Jack tried to understand that they had been hurt by the hearing in the past and he didn't blame them for being wary. He also understood that they were human just like him, and not everyone got on with everyone regardless of situations and shared goals. He also reminded himself at times like these that that was what Sue faced often in her life, prejudice and distrust because she was different. When it happened to him he tried to remember it gave him a clue to Sue's life as a Deaf person, still it didn't stop it hurting, but he knew it was a minority of the group who were like that, most welcomed him, understanding he was trying to learn.

He sighed, not sure he wanted to be so philosophical tonight, no tonight he wanted to get to the bottom of his wife's problems and he doubted it had much to do with the deaf community



I have debated with myself wether to include Jacks thought's but decided that I would, they are a reflection of my own personal experiences in the real world as well as those of others I have spoken to. But please remember...most deaf are very welcoming of those who wish to learn, but some are wary...and rightly so...not all hearing are nice, not all deaf are nice...beceause not all people are nice and that is all deaf and hearing are...people

So I have decided to include it, not because I am looking to start any arguments or anything but because, I believe in the truth good and bad....I havent shyed away from difficult topics before, so I wont start now...and it sets a scene that will be needed for perspective later on...well if the story goes as plan!

If I have offended anyone then please pm me in private, and i will discuss it with you and I apologise in advance if I have, it is not my intention

Chapter 3

Sue was in the living room watching the news but not really seeing anything on the captioning, her mind was on so much and nothing at all, Jack was in the kitchen attempting to cook, she sighed no doubt she would have to go and clean up after him, she thought angrily. Levi put his paw on her lap and she looked up to see Jack bringing in two plates on a tray. He spoke to her, but she didn't caught the first part, she sighed angrily "What?"
Jack looked at her quietly "I asked if you could get the wine?"
Sue stood up angrily and marched past him to the kitchen, Jack stared after her upset and hurting but trying to be patient, but it was hard

After they had eaten their meal, and Jack had loaded the dishwasher, he walked into the living room, he needed to talk to Sue.

He sat on the sofa next to her and angled his body towards her, "Sue we need to talk" he told her after she finally looked at him. She looked down and sighed, she knew they did, she knew she was acting badly but she didn't have the energy to talk and it was so much easier to be angry than to pretend nothing was wrong or to even look at what was wrong, she looked back up at him. "I know" she said sadly.

Sue looked at her husband, she loved him so much and she knew that she had hurt him recently, but how could she tell him how she felt when she herself didn't understand it, All she knew was that she felt like she stood on a black pit, and the ground under her feet was crumbling, sending her closer to the pit and despair. No matter what she did she didn't seem able to leave the pit, it drew her to its warmth and darkness, calling her to slip in and sleep. telling her that all that waited beyond it, in the real world was pain and problems and her own sadness.

Jack touched her arm gently pulling her out of her thoughts, "I can only help you Sue, if you talk to me" he told her gently, his thumb drawing circles on her cheek, she turned and pressed her face into his palm, then turned it again and kissed it. "I know Jack, but I don't know how to tell you, I don't know if you can help me or if I even want you to" she said sadly

Her last words hurt him greatly "Why?" he asked the single word ringing with his pain
"Because if i let you help me, then it means I have failed to sort myself out, I have leant on you throughout our relationship and marriage, I want to do this on my own" she told him

Jack looked at her sadly "Sue don't you realize that this isn't just about you? that it does involve me?" he asked her

"No Jack its about me and my failings and my jealousy of my friends" she told him angrily, pulling her anger around her like a clock again, letting it block out the truth of his words.

Jack moved closer to her "No Sue, the baby was mine as well, do you think I'm not jealous of Bobby? that I don't wish every minute of every day that it was you pregnant and me the proud father to be?" his own anger coming through

Sue looked at him sadly "I need to do this on my own" she said quietly, standing and leaving the room. Jack watched her leave, afraid that if he didn't reach her soon he might lose her completely

Chapter 4

Sue and Jack lay in bed, his arm was curled around her waist and Jack was fast asleep, their lovemaking that night had had a desperate element to it.

Sue rolled over so that she was facing him.

Why was it so hard, she thought sadly, why couldn't she get pregnant tomorrow and then everything would be fine. Only deep in her heart she knew it wouldn't be. She reached over and gently stroked his check. She loved him so much yet she kept pushing him away, why? she didn't really want to do this on her own, she wanted him to pull her in his arms and make her tell him what was wrong.

her tears fell into her pillow, but she didn't move or wipe them away.

she closed her eyes and took another step closer to the pit of depression.

Jack lay quietly he had woken at her touch, but had stayed silent and still, he felt her pain radiating out from her, and wanted to make it stop but he just didn't know what to do. Still pretending to be asleep he pulled her closer to him and held her while she cried.

Chapter 5

The team were gathered in the bullpen, D had just handed them a case, Myles and Sue were to go undercover as a couple, the rules having been stated when Jack and Sue married that they were not allowed to be assigned to work together undercover. They needed to infiltrate a young womans group of friends, who they suspected were fund raising for a terrorist cell.

Jack pulled D aside after the briefing

"D, I'm not sure either Myles or Sue are in any fit state to go undercover" he said with a heavy heart, knowing they would both be furious with him. But he wasn't willing to risk their lives when both were suffering so badly
D looked at Jack quietly, he knew that both Myles and Sue were having problems, he knew Myles reason but had no ideas of Sue's, but he had every confidence in them both as professionals. "they will be fine Jack, there cover story is that their marriage is having problems, so that will allow for them both being down" he looked at Jack "Trust them both" he said gently and turned to leave.

Jack watched D go, he was right but he loved them both, one was his wife, the other a part of his second family. And both were so fragile at the moment.

Sue sat at her desk ostensibly going over her brief, in actual fact her mind a million miles away. She was glad she had been given this case, it would give her some breathing space away from Jack, maybe she would be able to get a better perspective on things without him around. Sometimes she wondered if he loved her too much, she fully expected him to object to this case, he would want to protect her,as he always did. She sighed, even if he did she was doing this case, she needed to.

Myles stared into space, he was pleased to have this case, it meant he no longer had to go back to his empty house or stay late at the office to fight back his demons. He knew he could handle the case, he was after all a professional and very good at his job, his eyes found Jack. How many minutes till he objected he wondered, not realizing he already had.

Chapter 6

Sue and Myles had just moved into their new temporary home, It was a wonderful two story house, that was modern and spacious. Decorated in bright and cheerful colours. Neither of them noticed or appreciated the beauty and serenity of the house. They were in the bright and airy kitchen come breakfast room, having just finished a meal of chinese take out, neither had felt like cooking. They sat in silence like two strangers rather than two old friends, each lost in their own pain and misery.

Myles looked over at Sue and remembered the conversation Jack and he had not long ago, Sue seemed to be slipping deeper into depression, a bit like himself he thought in despair. He twirled his coffee mug, part of him wanting to mind his own business, part of him wanting to help his friends and part of him hoping that just maybe if he helped Sue then it might also help him.

"Sue, you do know that I am here to talk if you need someone?" he said kindly,

Sue looked at him, not wanting to talk to him, "I know" was all she said
he smiled at her gently "is it Jack?" he asked a bit flustered but wanting to help her so much as she had helped him over the years.
Sue sighed and stood up, filling a glass with water "no it isn't Jack" she said with a sigh, not wanting this conversation
"How are you coping without Amy?" she asked gently trying to change the subject, Myles went quiet and pale, he turned away for a moment and she thought he wasn't going to reply. He looked back at her "It's hard" he said quietly.
Sue was shocked. Myles rarely opened up about himself, she sat down again and looked at him with concern
"Do you want to talk?" she asked, her own pain and confusion forgotten in seeing Myles hurting.
He smiled up at he sadly "I think that perhaps I do" he told her.

Chapter 7

Sue and Myles sat in the kitchen, he had told her of his deep feeling for Amy and that although he loved her he understood that she had made the right decision. They had no real future together their worlds were just to different, and neither of them were really willing to compromise. However all the rationalizing in the world didn't make the actual loss any easier to take.

Myles had come close to tears on a few occasions and that had shaken Sue, she had come to think of Myles as stiff upper lip, he let his guard down so little, that on the rare occasions he did then it had an impact. And this was a whole new side to Myles, a vunerable side, one that loved and hurt. Myles hid so much of himself behind his sarcasm and moneyed facade. Oh he had changed so much in the years, but not this much. She had glimpsed the little boy rejected by a family demanding perfection, a teenager rejected by his sister in their quest for their parents approval, a young man rejected by his peers as too intense and sarcastic, rejected again my the FBI agents he worked with as being too rich, to aristocratic, too different and then rejected by the team he worked with as being shallow, unfeeling and uncaring. Just as he was finding acceptance among that team and with his sister he faced rejection again. This time by the woman he loved, rejected because his ideals didn't allow him to compromise for her, he couldn't change who he was and nor could she change for him.

His life was shaped by his rejections not the love that shaped many, although she had had a difficult life, she had never been rejected by those she really loved, oh some, such as her mother had never really accepted her for who she was or understood her but at least she had the knowledge that their actions were guided by love.

They stayed late into the night talking, when eventually exhaustion claimed them they both retired to their respective rooms, Sue however could not sleep, her mind kept replaying the pain Myles felt at being rejected, it was so different to the rejection she had faced, her's usually came from strangers, people who did not matter to her. One's she could forget about it still hurt and always would, it still made her day's a constant battle but how did it compare to the knowledge that everyone who should love you doesn't? her mind turned to Jack and the pain she had seen in his eyes so many times recently. Pain she had caused by her subtle rejection of him recently.

When sleep finally found her it was with tears on her face and pillow but she had taken a small step away from the pit, but would it be enough?

Chapter 8

The next morning was slightly awkward, Myles was not used to sharing his emotions and felt uncomfortable and foolish. His intention had been to help Sue. not cry all over her shoulder. Sue on the other hand was touched that Myles had talked to her, she would have expected him to talk to lizbet if anyone not her.

After a quiet and awkward breakfast that reminded them both a little of the early days they settled back into their friendship and comfort zone and prepared to meet Andrea Milton, their suspect. It appeared that she had met a man, Marcus Baker, and had left her husband of 4 years for him. He was suspected of being a member of a very nasty right wing group. It was believed that she had started to fund raise for the group, as the FBI had already cut off their main source of money in an earlier raid. It was felt she would be the weakest link to finding the rest of the group, as she had no real connection to the group other than through Baker.

Sue was going to go around and introduce herself and hopefully get aquatinted. She strapped on Levi's lead and left the house.

As she walked up the path she noticed the shabbiness of the house and garden's which was unusual in this neighborhood, most had immaculate gardens and houses. She looked around noticing the detail, the oil patch on the drive, the broken window in the living room, beer cans littered on the grass. She shuddered slightly but put a pleasant smile on her face and knocked the door.

It opened a few moments later by a pretty brunette, her face pale, it only highlighting the large bruise on her cheek. Sue paused, and the woman catching her stare turned her face slightly in an attempt to hide the mark "Yes?" she asked impatiently

"Oh Hi, I'm sorry, my husband and I just moved in yesterday and we forgot to ask our realtor what day the garbage was collected, and I just wondered if you could tell me?" she asked brightly

"Oh hey, welcome to the neighborhood" she said, "Urm would you like to come in?" she asked somewhat nervously and slightly desperately

"I'd love to, if your sure?" Sue responded a smile on her face, and concern at this woman in her heart

"Yes, please. Urm just excuse the mess, I urm I had an accident the other day, fell down some stairs and I haven't been up to cleaning" she apologized looking around her home, her eyes showing her despair as she looked at the clutter and shabbiness of the house.

Sue looked around, her heart heavy for the woman, even though she was a suspect. She could see the effort the woman made, the house was clean and wild flowers were sitting in a glass jar, the ripped curtains tied back with a bright ribbon, photo's clipped in a broken frame...but it couldnt hide the neglect of the house.

Sue told her it was no problem and soon Sue had put the woman at ease and they were chatting like too old friends, about an hour later, Andrea looked at the clock "Oh urm I'm sorry but my boyfriend will be home soon, and well he urm, he's a bit shy..."

Sue smiled at her, "That's ok, I really enjoyed meeting you. Can I come back tomorrow, I don't know anyone in DC yet, and I really liked talking to you." she said shyly

Andrea beamed, "I would love that, make it about the same time, Marcus is gone then" she said fearfully glancing at the clock.

Sue left with a cheerful wave but as she turned her back her mask fell away revealing her concern for Andrea, something was not right, and it was obvious she hadn't got that bruise from a fall, it looked just like a hand print.

Chapter 9

Sue and Myles returned to the office, Sue had updated Myles on the way and she was pretty sure that she would be able to get close to Andrea, it was obvious the woman was desperate for a friend, and hopefully she would be able to convince her to help them, maybe in exchange for protection.

The bullpen was busy as usual. Bobby sat leaning back in his chair on two legs reading a file balanced on his legs and twiddling a mangled paperclip as he perused the files. Tara was sitting at her computer her fingers flying over the keys, her mouth moving as she muttered to herself. Lucy was at the filing cabinet sorting out the mess that Myles had made of it when he had been searching for a file yesterday, she glared at the tall agent as he walked in. Jack was at his desk, his eyes on Sue's empty desk, then back to the file in his hands, then back to Sue's desk.

As he noticed Sue he looked up and smiled, he had missed her so much last night, he looked at her carefully noticing a slight change to her demeanor, he just hoped it was for the better.

"So what have you got?" he asked Sue and Myles. Myles motioned Sue to speak, she walked over to the white board and looked at the picture of Andrea, she looked so different in the photo to the woman she had met that morning

She turned back to the team "well I made contact this morning, and it appears that she is very lonely, and in need of a friend, I have arranged to go around tomorrow morning as well." she paused and looked at Myles who nodded slightly "I think that she is being abused by Baker, she had a large bruise on her face, that looked like a hand print. Andrea claimed that she got it when she fell down the stairs. I hope that I can offer her away out of the situation by getting her to give us the information we want" she looked at Jack "would we be able to offer her protection?" she asked him in concern. She knew that the woman was involved in a terrorist group but she honestly didn't think she was involved willingly.

Jack nodded "If she gives us the information we need, she may be eligible for the witness protection scheme, she would get a new start, identity and help" he told her

Sue nodded relieved, she wanted to help Andrea, she had looked so sad and lonely.

Chapter 10

Levi touched Sue's leg and she looked up to see Jack looking at her "LUNCH YOU NOW?" he signed to her, she nodded her head and started to put her work away

"where are we going?" she asked him as he came over to her desk, Jack smiled "Where ever you like" his smile creeping slowly up his face, his eyes darkening slightly, she looked at her husband, he still had the power to make her legs go weak, even if she didn't feel great. She smiled in response "Italian?" she asked, knowing he would take her to their favorite Italian restaurant that served great lunches, It was quiet and secluded and great for talking. Last night and this morning had made her realize some things and she wanted to talk to Jack

They left the room, Jack's arm protectively around her waist, Levi at Sue's side, Sue froze as they reached the hallway. Lizbet was just stepping of the elevator

"Hi you two" she called happily at seeing Jack and Sue standing there, "look the first picture of the baby" she said excitedly, waving a small black and white photo, in her hand, Jack smiled at Lizbet "Yeah Bobby said you had your first scan yesterday, he couldn't stop talking about it" Jack laughed tightening his arm round Sue, feeling her pain and confusion. It was so hard for Sue at the moment, she was jealous of Lizbet and her pregnancy and yet at the same time so pleased for her friend and wanted desperately to support her.

"Can I see?" Sue asked quietly, Jack hoped Lizbet didn't notice the tremor in Sue's voice, but he knew by the way the woman narrowed her eyes just slightly that she had heard it. Lizbet passed the scan over with a small smile, her eyes confused. But she said nothing for the time being, Sue looked at the picture in longing, wishing that it could be her child in the photo. She looked at Lizbet "Hopefully it wont look like Bobby" she tried to joke, but the strain showing in her voice. Lizbet looked at Sue then Jack, he shook his head slightly and the other woman took the hint

"Anyway, you two were on your way out, so I wont stop you" she said with forced cheer, concern evident in her eyes and voice. But Sue wasn't looking at Lizbet, and Jack was glad she couldn't hear her voice.

As Sue and Jack walked off Lizbet stood staring after them and then she looked down at the scan, tears suddenly gathered in her eyes and she blinked them back. Angry at herself for not having realized. She turned slowly wanting her husbands arms around her, wanting him to tell her she wasn't a bad friend, when she felt like one.

Chapter 11

"Are you ok?" Jack asked Sue when the elevator doors closed, she nodded but closed her eyes, ending any other conversation. Jack pulled her into his arms, feeling her shaking. He tipped her head and waited for her to open her eyes again, finally she did "Please don't shut me out" he begged her, all of his love and desperation showing clearly on his face. She rested her head on his, wanting to reach out to him but not sure how to anymore. The shades of grey just seemed to get darker and darker. Her anger and frustration making it harder, so much harder. The resolve she had felt this morning after talking to Myles and seeing Andrea had suddenly fled. The pit beckoned her again

Sue pulled away and turned to stand by the door, she couldn't talk to him, not now, maybe not ever. She was so tired.

"I want to go home" she said not looking at him, not wanting to see his arguments. Suddenly the doors opened and she stepped out into the underground garage. She ignored Jack and walked to her own car, instead of his. It felt that all her strength and will had been sucked out of her with the encounter with Lizbet.

She unlocked her door and went to open the back for Levi, Jack slammed it shut, and spun her around

"Talk to me" he demanded his hurt and frustration taking the easier route of anger, she ignored him and turned back to the car, he spun her again

"Talk to me, don't run away" he ground out forcefully, not letting go of her shoulders
"I can't" she gasped anger and fear warring in her voice and face, sadness screaming from every pore of her body.

She pulled away and put Levi in the back and quickly climbed into the car herself, Jack climbed just as quickly into the passenger seat.

Sue refused to look at Jack, she wasn't having this conversation and she knew if she didn't want it, there was no way he could make her, it wasn't as if he could just talk to her, she had to participate fully in such a simple thing as listening, she thought bitterly

"get out" she demanded, once again taking refuge in anger, rather than dealing with the truth, she looked at him briefly, to see him shake his head "Fine" she snarled

She started the car, aware of him next to her, struggling with herself not to look at him. The ride was strained and uncomfortable. Jack had touched her arm a few times to try and get her attention at traffic lights and intersections, but she ignored him. They pulled up outside their beautiful house, the one that they had shared on their first undercover assignment as a married couple. Normally the house always bought a smile to her lips remembering that Jack had bought it after the case had ended, hoping secretly that one day Sue would live in it with him for real. Today it seemed dark and unwelcoming. More a prison than a wonderful family home.

Chapter 12

Lizbet and Bobby had left the bullpen to enjoy lunch together. They sat in a high sided booth in a very busy and popular dinner, near the office. The waitress had already been and taken their orders and had deposited their drinks. Bobby frowned at his wife, she had been miles away every since she had arrived, what was the problem with everyone he though in irritation. He watched her quietly running her finger around the glass of her iced tea, she had hardly touched her lunch. Maybe there was little he could do for Sue and Jack or Myles, but Lizbet was different

"Whats the matter Darlin?' " he asked her tenderly, she looked up in surprise, having forgotten he was even there, She sighed
"I am such a rotten friend" she said sadly looking at Bobby with tears in her eyes, He slid out of his side of the booth and sat next to her, his arm going around her shoulders and pulling her close "No your not" he told her, grabbing a napkin and wiping her tears "Whats bought this on?" he asked in concern

"Sue" she cried, her tears coming faster, she buried her face in his shoulder, hating herself for not having seen what was wrong earlier.
"Sue?" he asked in confusion "Why are you a bad friend to Sue?" he tried again, not understanding this at all, praying it wasn't that hormone thing everyone kept warning him about

She pulled herself away from him, and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, she sniffed and tried to calm herself, "Oh Bobby, I should have seen what was the matter with Sue earlier" she told him trying to remain calm, but berating herself inside

Bobby looked at her confused, he knew Sue was quiet and upset but what did that have to do with Lizbet...suddenly he looked at her hand resting on her very gently curved stomach and he realized what she meant.

"Oh man, poor Sparky" he said quietly more to himself than to Lizbet
"Sparky?, no its Sue who ..." lizbet stopped what she was saying, realizing that Bobby was right Jack would be suffering as well, he would be feeling pain too, both because of the baby and because of how Sue was at the moment

Lizbet started to cry softly again, Bobby pulling her close once more "What are we going to do Bobby?" she asked sadly

Bobby stroked her back calming his wife, trying to imagine how Sue and Jack must be feeling but not being able too "we help them by being their friends" he said, not sure how to do that exactly.

Chapter 13

Sue slowly emerged from their room, Levi was lying outside the door waiting for her. Upon seeing her he jumped up and wagged his tail trying to lick her, sensing her distress and in his own canine way wanting to make it better for her
"I'm ok" she told him softly, stroking his soft head
the house felt empty she wondered if Jack was still here, she hoped he was and prayed that he wasn't. She slowly made her way downstairs to the living room, she sighed not sure if it was in relief or fear no Jack, she made her way into the kitchen, still no sign of him. Then she noticed the note.

She paused, not sure she wanted to read it, afraid she had pushed him too far, afraid that he still wanted to talk, afraid that he no longer did.

She sat at the table and stared at the note propped against the vase of flowers on the breakfast bar. After staring for a long time she turned away and looked around the room, seeing it through new sadder eyes. She loved this room, it was the heart of the house, they shared breakfast here, cooked together, laughed together, read the morning paper here, made love here. Today she saw the crack in the ceiling, the cupboard door that needed re-hanging, the copper pans that needed polishing, the dried flowers needed replacing, so many faults in a room she once thought perfect. Just like her life.

She turned back to the note, hoping by some miracle it had vanished, but it hadn't, it still sat there accusing her. She reached out with a shaky hand and picked it up. It was just a folded sheet of note paper, the one she kept in the top drawer next to the fridge, the one she used to write her shopping lists, her to do lists, it wasn't anything special but today it felt like it held the secrets of the universe and the devils own words all rolled into one.

She looked down at Levi, looking for answers that weren't coming, she slowly opened the note, terrified out of all proportion of what the words might say.

Sue slowly scanned the words and laid her head on the table, her hands crumbling the note, her tears harsh and broken, her mind replayed the brief and simple words he had written

I love you, and will wait as long as I have to

No signature, no name just the words that hurt more than any could possibly hurt at the moment, words that should help but only caused more guilt and pain, she stepped ever closer to the edge.

Chapter 14

Sue was waiting in the kitchen when he walked in, he paused looking at her face, the tear marks. He didn't say a word just crossed the room and took her in his arms, holding her tightly. He felt her tears start again and he gently rubbed her back in a soothing manner. Levi pawed his leg in distress and he looked down at the beautiful dog "It's ok Levi" Myles said "Sue will be ok soon" he murmured praying it was so.

He knew something had happened today when they went for Lunch, Jack had returned alone and very withdrawn and quiet, his eyes constantly straying to Sue's empty desk an empty look in his eyes.

Bobby had also returned from Lunch in a strange mood, he had kept looking at Jack quietly, his eyes full of worry and concern, but also something else, something Myles couldn't put his finger on. Myles wondered what was happening to the team, the one that normally laughed and joked, pulled tricks and cared deeply about each other seemed to be falling apart about their ears, and that scared Myles, they were the only family he really had and had ever had. He hugged Sue tighter, and prayed he could help her and Jack

He pulled her gently away from him, reached in to his pocket and handed her a pressed linen handkerchief, she took it and wiped her eyes, handing it back to him like a lost child, he looked at it and then her. He held it too her nose and without thinking she blew, her eyes shot to his and she saw the gentle smile in his eyes and for the first time in a long time she laughed as he carefully folded the hanky and placed it gingerly back in his pocket.

"Thank you" she said quietly not sure if she was thanking him for the hanky, the laughter or for just being there, perhaps for all of three.

Myles inclined his head gently "Your welcome" he said, he watched her intently he noticed the pain in her eyes, the way she looked so lost and confused. The dark patches under her eyes, the strain about her face, the pallor. He noticed so much more as well

"Did I ever tell you that my mother suffered from depression?" he said quietly, his eyes not meeting hers fully, he was obviously uncomfortable with this topic.

Sue shook her head

"Yes, she did. She would be fine then suddenly she wasn't. As a child I never really understood what was wrong, all I knew was that suddenly my mother would change. She was never a demonstrative mother, she never gave cuddles or praise easily. but she was strong, very strong. She had a will of iron, you never crossed her, I feared her more than my father if the truth is told and i must say my fear for him was considerable.

She would become a completly different person, one who didn't care if I failed latin or only recieved a B in literature, but the anger, for the simple things, that was the worst becuase I never knew what would cause her to scream at me, and the screaming always ended in her tears and that was so much worse, not understanding why she would cry, what I had done to make her cry like that, as if her heart was breaking. She never seemed to smile in those times or find any joy in anything. It was as if she hated the things she had loved and loved nothing.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that she suffered from depression, I don't know to this day what would cause the depression to start, or what made her fight her way back. But I remember vividly how different she was in those times and how much I wanted to make things better for her.

I couldn't and still can't help her, but let me help you Sue" he asked her his sincerity and passion holding Sue spell bound...

and then the gates opened.

She found herself telling Myles everything, things she had bottled up for so long, things she hadn't even realized bothered her. And Myles sat quietly and listened, offering the occasional word of comfort or wisdom, handing her tissues, but mostly he just listened and held her tightly.

Chapter 15

At some point during the evening they had moved into the living room, Sue had since fallen asleep curled on Myles's lap, she had shed so many tears, talked and yelled. They were both drained, he prayed though that in finally letting everything out she had turned a corner.

He thought back to some of the things that she had said. His biggest shock was her resentment at the moment of the hearing world and how much it cost her to be a part of it. He felt so guilty for not trying harder over the years, and for taking her efforts for granted. She had screamed she was tired of lip reading, when it was such hard work day in and day out. She had at one point during her anguish stopped speaking and had only signed. Myles had struggled to understand what she had said, he had caught perhaps only every fifth sign and had quickly become lost and frustrated. Suddenly she had stopped signing and said quietly but with passion
"That is my world, that is what I do every day with every person I meet when I lip read"
Myles had closed his eyes to stop the tears, his shame so great. How could he have not realized? She had cried again then, asking him to forgive her, but it was he who needed her forgiveness for not understanding, for not caring enough. He had understood that the anger she felt at the moment wasn't directed at him but at life, and her own struggle with it. He also knew that it wasn’t how she normally felt, it was purely a reaction to everything. He had been humbled by the experience.

His mind soon turned to her anger at herself and her jealousy of Lizbet, this had not been a shock to him. He and Jack had discussed this just after Bobby's wedding, Jack had already told him of her feelings of the pregnancy and her wish it was her.

He had tried to tell her she wasn't wrong to feel as she did, but he had known she hadn't heard him. Hopefully when she had time to think, some of his words would reach her. For now he was relieved she had spoken about her feelings and had allowed herself to release them. He stroked her hair and looked down at her, strange how he had disliked her, perhaps even hated when she first joined the team and now here they were all these years later, helping each other in their pain. Sometimes life was confusing he thought as his eyes drifted shut and he too slept, Sue still in his arms.

Chapter 16

Myles awoke with a start, his body still trying to work out what had his system screaming danger, he then heard the screams again. He quickly shook Sue awake "I hear Screaming outside, stay here while I check it out" he told her quickly grabbing his gun from its holster on the back of the chair.

He quickly left the room, Sue paused not knowing what to do, but not wanting to just sit there, she knew in her heart that the screams would be Andrea's. She quickly shut Levi in the kitchen not wanting him to follow her. She slipped on her shoes and quickly followed in Myles's footsteps.

She stopped at the scene that greeted her, Myles was struggling on Andrea’s front steps with a large man that Sue recognized as Marcus Baker.

Andrea lay on the grass outside her home, covered in blood

Sue ran towards the fallen woman, hoping that Myles would manage to subdue Baker, she fell to the ground afraid that the young woman was dead. There was so much blood and she was so very still. With a shaking hand she felt for a pulse, relieved to find a weak one. Suddenly Sue was pushed to the ground as Baker broke free and rushed past her, Myles took chase.

Sue looked around, she needed to get help, but didn't want to leave Andrea, she looked around, curtains were twitching and lights coming on everywhere but nobody had ventured out yet.

For the first time in a long time Sue shouted as loud as she could "GET AN AMBULANCE NOW" she screamed, wishing she could hear her own voice and check the words were clear and not lost in the shout and also that she could hear a reply. She prayed someone had heard and acted

"Andrea, hold on, help is on the way" she told the broken woman, she checked for where the worst wound was but there were so many. Knife wounds to the arm, stomach and face. Her nose was bleeding profusely as was a cut to her head, her arm lay at an odd angle and was definitely broken and there were so many bruises you could hardly see her face.

Sue did her best to stop the bleeding praying that help would arrive soon

Chapter 17

Sue sat silently beside the bed, waiting for Andrea to come round from her surgery. Sue sadly looked at the badges covering the young woman, she would need extensive reconstructive surgery to correct the scars on her face. It was doubtful she would ever look the same again. It had been clear to the doctors that he hadn’t intended to kill her, only disfigure her. Baker had escaped Myles and so was on the loose still. Until Andrea woke up they would not know what had happened.

The hand in Sue’s suddenly squeezed gently, Sue looked up to see that Andrea was awake.
“Do you need the nurse?” Sue asked in concern

Andrea whispered painfully “no” her eyes devastated, “He said no one would want me ever again” her hand raised slowly to the bandages covering her face “He’s right isn’t he?” she whispered in fear

“No, he isn’t” Sue told her gently, “it looks bad now but the doctors have said the damage can be repaired fully” she told her, not lying exactly, they had said they could repair it, she would look ok again, but she just wouldn’t look like Andrea.

Andrea turned away, wanting to believe her but afraid to

“Andrea? Are you up to answering some questions?” Sue asked gently

The young woman nodded sadly, wincing at the pain. “I’m fine” she said bravely, Sue leant over and gave her a gentle hug.

“First I need to tell you something important, ok?” she told her, hoping that Andrea wouldn’t hate her when she told her. Andrea looked at her questioningly

“I work for the FBI, and we need your help” Sue told her softly, Andrea looked at her not saying anything, not blinking
“Marcus said you were, that’s what started the fight last night, I told him you weren’t that you were my friend” she laughed bitterly. She turned her head away from Sue, the tears soaking into her bandages.

Sue tried to grasp her hand, but she pulled it away, “I am your friend Andrea, I like you and that is why I want to help you. I had been sent in to try and get information out of you, instead I came to like you and wanted to help you get away from Baker. I still want to do that.” Sue told her passionately, hoping that Andrea would let her help her.

Chapter 18

Sue sat at her desk lost in thought, Andrea had not responded to her words, but she would try again later, she and Myles had to go back to the hospital and question her officially later. Sue looked up at the room.

Tara was busy on her computer as usual, her fingers flying so quickly they sometimes looked like a blur. Lucy was at Myles’s desk, from the look of things she was telling him off for something…his face was one of insolence as if he didn’t care, but Sue had come to realise that he did care, and cared a lot. Bobby was watching the pair intently, most likely looking for an opportunity to rib Myles about whatever Lucy was saying. Things were normal, life went on as usual, no matter what happened life went on.

Sue thought about that again, she had to a degree always lived by the premise that life went on but she had lost sight of that. It felt that life had stopped, that nothing mattered that it was all just the same things over and over again. But it wasn’t, life really did go on and she could either go with it or let it pass her by and miss out on so much.

Sue’s eyes slowly went to Jack’s desk, he sat watching her quietly and intently, Sue’s first reaction was to look away and ignore him but she didn’t she forced herself to look at her husband, really look at him.

She saw the pain in his eyes first, and the fear…that jolted her…fear? Fear of what? She carried on, noticing the shadows under his eyes and the fit of his jacket, it looked looser as if he had lost weight, how had she not noticed that she thought in dismay. She carried on her survey of him, the pallor, the over all lost look of him.

Had she done this to him? She drew back into herself looking down again, she didn’t notice the tears in Jack’s eyes.

He had sat silently whilst she looked at him, he had felt her taking stock of him and his appearance, it had made him uncomfortable but it had given him hope. Was she ready to start healing? He prayed it was so and had sat quietly hardly breathing, watching the emotions flit across her face, emotions he hadn’t seen in so long…and then she had looked down and his heart had shattered, his hope fleeing again. No she wasn’t ready.

Jack stood abruptly and left the room, no explanation no word. The room went silent, everyone’s eyes turned briefly to Sue, then moving away guiltily, everyone except Myles’s. His stayed longer assessing and he gently smiled to himself.

Chapter 19

Myles had noticed what the others hadn’t, Sue had noticed Jacks departure and had reacted very subtly to it, he knew she was taking the first tiny steps. He had every confidence she would be ok

“Don’t you smirk at me, Leland” Lucy ground out, seeing his smile and mistaking it in her anger “It took me three hours to sort out the filing cabinet, and it was all the files you had been using that were in the wrong place” she ground out

“But it is my duty, no my pleasure to keep you busy and gamely employed, Lucy, instead of just sitting there looking, and I say this with the utmost sincerity, pretty” Myles drawled, loving the game they played, he had noticed the smile in her eyes when she came storming over, the look she had thrown Bobby as she passed him. It was a ritual now, a game they all played and loved. And he wouldn’t disappoint.

“Why you…you…” Lucy sputtered

“Yes, I am considerate and kind, perhaps even dashing and might I say handsome, thank you for noticing Lucy” he drawled, his rich baritone ringing out. He noticed Sue get up and quietly leave the room. He smiled again, mission accomplished, no one had noticed, they were too busy watching him be the bad guy.

“I will in future endeavour to keep your filing system in order. Of course if I just gave you them to file away, there would be no problem at all” he told her smoothly

Lucy just glared and stormed away, not even noticing Sue’s empty desk.

Chapter 20

Sue followed Jack outside, she found him sitting on a bench looking at nothing. She paused, watching him. She trembled slightly wanting so badly to turn around and leave. She couldn’t do this, it was too hard. She turned to leave, but a movement caught her eye and she watched as he wiped away a tear.

Slowly and very gently Sue took a step toward him, little realising that small step was a large one away from her pit of despair, she reached a hand out and gently touched his shoulder, not even aware of what she was doing.

“I’m sorry” she whispered. Jack spun around on the bench his face ravaged by despair, his eyes lighting up in hope
“Sue?” he asked on a breath
Sue stepped around the bench, sitting and taking him in her arms in one move “I’m so sorry” she said again. They sat like that for an eternity, Sue holding Jack gently, Jack holding Sue tightly.

Sue broke away first, she looked down at her hands nervously twisting in her lap,
“I’m sorry I have hurt you” she told him when she finally looked up, Jack just nodded not trusting his voice, not wanting her to stop talking

“I love you Jack” she said gently, “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry for hurting you and I want to tell you it will all be ok, but I’m scared Jack, so very scared” she told him, as her tears fell gently, he made to take her in his arms again but she scooted back out of reach, shaking her head “don’t Jack or I don’t think I will be able to carry on” she took a deep breath, looking away for a moment, then back at him her anguish evident, her courage amazing him

“I want to get better Jack but I’m scared that I can’t. Its so dark at the moment, so very dark and lonely. I wake up in the morning and I hate everything, and I go to bed at night not having seen anything good, but I know in my heart that the good is there but I just can’t see it. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to find the sunshine anymore, I can’t see the love. I need help Jack, but I am terrified that you can‘t help me or that you don‘t want to. Please help me Jack before I vanish.”

Chapter 21

Myles hesitated, he didn’t want to interrupt them but duty sadly called, he watched for awhile, his heart lifting slightly at the embrace they shared, he couldn’t hear what was being said but if Jacks face was anything to go by, then Sue had just taken a huge step forward. He really didn’t want to do this.

He squared his shoulders, took a deep breath and put his mask back in place

“Hudson, put your wife down. She has work to do” he drawled mockingly, his heart heavy, wishing he could let them stay in each others arms longer.

Jack pulled away from Sue and signed “MYLES”, she looked over her shoulder to see the tall agent standing there, he winked at her and smiled before slipping a professionally blank expression back in place.

“Andrea is trying to leave the hospital, we need to get there now. “ he told her, handing over her coat and bag, holding Levi’s leash until she was ready.

Once settled into the car, Sue looked over at Myles “Thank you” she told him gently, they hadn’t really had an opportunity to talk since last night.

He looked over at her briefly, keeping his eye on the traffic but angling his head so that she could see his reply, “I was only returning the favour” he told her gently

“you were doing more than that Myles, and you know it” she rebuked him gently, “it helped” she said gently turning to look out the window.

Myles turned to her, but didn’t reply, there was no need.

They settled into a companionable silence.

Sue’s mind turned to the conversation Myles had interrupted, Jack had took her into his arms after she finished speaking, he had hugged her hard, then pulled away so that she could see his face. She smiled slightly remembering the look on his face, as he spoke “I love you Sue and I have stood by and watched you suffer on your own, every time I tried to reach you, it pushed you further and further away. I will help you in what ever way you need, I will listen, I will talk and God forbid but if you need me too I will leave for a little while, but only for a little while. Tell me what you need Sue, tell me how to help you” he had told her, all his love for her visible in his eyes. She had shook her head at him, hating the look of panic that crossed his face

“that’s just it though Jack, I don’t know how you can help, I don’t know how to help myself, and that is what is so frightening Jack, what if I can’t find my way out of the darkness?” She had asked him desperately

His response had allowed a small ray of sunlight to enter her heart
“Then we will find the way together” he had told her simply, the truth and conviction of his words finding its way into her heart and easing the pain slightly.

She smiled gently as she looked out the window, Washington speeding past. The city looking brighter.

Chapter 22

They arrived at the hospital and made their way quickly through the building to Andrea’s room on the second floor.

Andrea stood in her room packing her few belongings into a carrier bag. Sue signed quickly to Myles and he stayed outside, gently closing the door behind Sue

Andrea spun around and glared at the blond woman, “what do you want?” she demanded

“To help you” came Sues response, remembering Jacks words a short while ago. She just hoped that Andrea would accept the help Sue offered, understanding just how hard that was to do sometimes.

“You cant help me, no one can” Andrea said sadly, turning back to her belongings, but not before Sue had seen the tears

She moved around the bed so that she could see Andrea, aware that in her distressed stated she might not look at her directly. “I can give you a new start” she said gently, watching Andrea’s reaction carefully.

Sue and Myles returned to the bullpen, Andrea with them. She had refused to stay in hospital, terrified that Marcus Baker would find her there, Myles had agreed that for Sue’s plan to work she would need to leave the hospital.

Sue’s plan was already in action. The hospital records now listed Andrea Milton as dead.

Chapter 23

Sue had spent the last hour with Andrea, getting as much information on the group as possible. Sue had been amazed at just how much Andrea knew, apparently she had made a habit of listening to Baker’s conversations and phone calls, she had become suspicious of his activities a few weeks after moving in with him.

She had willingly told them everything she knew, and it was enough to put Baker and his group away for a very long time. Providing they found him and his group.

Sue looked around the room, at her friends all busy at work trying to track them down quickly. Jack had spoken to the relevant people and had arranged for Andrea to enter the witness protection scheme. She was to be given a new identity and start in exchange for her information and possible testimony …although the plan was to use the information she had given them to get one of the other members of the group to give evidence in exchange for a deal.

Sue’s eyes drifted to Bobby, she had hardly spoken to him recently, it was just too hard. Sue knew she had a long way to go but she was feeling stronger in herself after having spoken to Jack today. She was still so tired and scared but she had hope, something she hadn’t had in a very long time. Hope that she would see the sun again, hope that she would find away to get through this…Her hope was called Jack, she knew he would be there every step of the way, no matter how hard or dark it got.

But Sue felt there was something she needed to do before she had any chance of getting through this, she just hoped she was strong enough to do it.

She stood up and slowly crossed the room, her heart racing and the darkness closing in, but she pushed it back and focused on what she knew she needed to do.

Chapter 24

“Hey, how’s my favourite Sheila?” Bobby asked Sue as she walked up to his desk, he looked at her trying to mask his concern, she looked so sad and lost. This wasn’t the Sue he knew and loved and it was so much harder when he thought it was because of him and Lizbet that she looked like this

“I’m fine, thank you Bobby” she said “have you got a moment?” she asked quietly and a little worriedly. She prayed her courage would last, she looked over at Jack briefly, knowing he would be watching, she saw the confusion in his eyes but at her look he smiled and in that moment she knew she could do this….except this was the easy part

“I always have a moment for you Sue” Bobby said jokingly but his eyes serious.

Sue tried to smile but found she couldn’t, she took a deep breath and said quickly before her courage failed “Can Jack and I come over tonight to talk to you and Lizbet” she was almost panting she had said it so quickly.

Bobby frowned slightly “You don’t need to ask Sue, you can come over whenever you want” he told her gently, wondering where this was going, praying it would be a good discussion and not a bad one. He was afraid for Lizbet and himself that she would say she couldn’t be around them anymore, he knew she had been avoiding him lately. Bobby didn’t think that he or Lizbet could survive that. They were a family.

Sue nodded “Ok” she said turning and rushing away from his desk and out the room.

Bobby looked over at Jack, hoping his friend might have some explanation, but Jack just shrugged and rose to follow Sue.

Bobby sat for a moment, not looking at anything or anyone. He leant over and picked up his phone.

Lucy and Tara exchanged worried looks, Myles sat with his hands together and prayed silently

Chapter 25

Sue lent against the wall in the corridor, her heart beating and her breath coming in short gasps, she had been terrified talking to Bobby, and it hurt so badly that she was. She felt his presence before she felt his arms, her first reaction was to push him away and flee, but she didn’t. She stood quietly in his embrace, not yet able to relax and take the warmth she would have found there once, but at least she stayed.

He looked down at her, not sure what had happened in there, not sure what she wanted to talk about with Bobby and Lizbet, oh he knew the basic of what it might be but not the truth. And that hurt, because at one time she would have come to him and talked to him first. He pushed the thought away, at least she was here in his arms and that was a step in the right direction.

They stood like that for a short while, Sue stood tensely at first, then she slowly relaxed into his embrace, her weight slowly shifting from the balls of her feet as if ready to run, to his arms and he gently supported her body. Jack took comfort from the shift in her, he knew it was a good sign. Sue however was oblivious to her reaction she was struggling to hold back the darkness, her mind kept berating her for asking to speak to them she wasn’t ready, it would be too hard, it was foolish, she had nothing to say. Her heart however told her it was the right thing to do, but the darkness was powerful and she began to doubt her actions.

Jack pulled away slightly and tilted her head so that she was looking at him, he saw her conflict in her eyes and tenderly brushed a kiss across her mouth “I will be there with you” he said quietly.

She stilled in his arms, tensing again but then straightening and looking at him, “I know” she said then laid her head on his chest and let his heartbeat soothe her and hold the darkness at bay, at least for a little while.

Chapter 26

Sue and Jack walked slowly up the path to Bobby and Lizbet’s house, Jack could see that Sue was shaking slightly, he pulled her gently to his side and held her, he waited for her to knock the door, this had to be her decision, he was there to support and help. But ultimately this was her call, she rang the bell and knocked twice. He turned his head and smiled down at her slightly “What you want them to think its Tara?” he teased gently, she smiled weakly.

Bobby opened the door “Hey there” he said gently, his eyes worried, he motioned them in. Jack and Sue walked in, Bobby paused looking at them, hoping that they would all get through tonight. He and Lizbet had already spoken, if Sue told them she found it too hard to be around them at the moment, then Bobby had decided to ask for a temporary re assignment to give her the time and space she needed. He prayed though that it wouldn’t come to that

Sue sat tensely while Lizbet got them all drinks, Jack and Bobby talked about the hockey match last night, but she saw the tension in their bodies and regretted that she was the cause of it. She desperately wanted to get up and run, she shook so badly inside she was sure they could see it.

She watched Jack with Bobby, they were best friends, had known each other for so long, she had to do this not just for herself but for Jack.

She smiled as Lizbet came back in and handed out the drinks, then she sat down.

Everyone attempted small talk but it was painful. Suddenly Lizbet looked at sue.

“I am so sorry for failing you” she cried, tears in her eyes, Sue’s eyes widened, this was not what she had planned

“Sorry for what?” she asked in confusion, seeing Bobby grasp Lizbet’s hand tightly and squeeze it.

“I kept going on about the baby, and I never once stopped to think about what it must be doing to you. I am just so sorry, can you ever forgive me?” she begged on a sob.

Sue paused to make sure she had read Lizbet right, she had struggled slightly because of Lizbet’s distress, seeing this Lizbet cried harder but switched to signing, If badly due to her tears
“ SORRY, THINK NO ME, HARD YOU CRY ME” with that she turned and buried her head on Bobby’s shoulder sobbing

Sue rushed over and knelt in front of Lizbet, she clasped her hands and waited for Lizbet to look at her, “you have nothing to be sorry for” she told her friend gently, meaning every word. “I wanted to talk to you to tell you how hard I have found this but that I want to be a part of this babies life, a part of yours”

Lizbet looked at her in shock “But I thought you wouldn’t want to be around me any more, I would have understood” she whispered

Sue shook her head “oh Lizbet, I want to enjoy your pregnancy so much, I am so happy for you both, you deserve this baby. But I have to admit I have been so jealous and scared, I wanted the baby to be mine. I wanted to ask you to forgive me, and to understand, and maybe to help me?” she said, the last section very quietly and with an edge of fear.

in case you havent read any of the others, Lizbets refence to her first apperence in Bobbys life is in Family 4-Lost

the refrence to Sues grandmother comes from Family 2-The Long Road but you can read this fine without having read them

Chapter 27

Sue and Lizbet talked for hours, they had told Jack and Bobby to go and play pool, they needed the time alone.

At first they had spent their time both apologising but soon Sue started to talk to Lizbet about everything, and it helped, Lizbet was a wonderful listener and she had wonderful insights to share. She understood facing the darkness, she had nearly allowed it to take her life. When she first returned it had been to leave Storm with Bobby and commit suicide, not by pills or the like but by handing herself to people who wanted her dead, she had felt it was the only way at the time, but with Bobby’s help she had fought her way back…and she shared her feelings with Sue. It struck them both how similar their feelings were when facing the darkness, when the causes were so very different. They had both shared the feeling of loneliness and isolation, the fear and desperation. The soul destroying feeling that there was nothing worth fighting for anymore. The loss of sunshine, happiness and love.

Sue realised that with help she could get through this, but that ultimately it had to be her choice, either to step further into the darkness or to reach out and grab the hands that were offered. But Lizbet pointed out that when the darkness was at its worst you could not see the hands outreached. Sue saw the hands now and reached out to grasp them

But she understood it would be a long, hard road. Her grandmothers words came back to her, she had told her when she lost the baby that she would have a long road to walk, but Sue had replied that with God‘s help and Jack at her side she would be ok…Sue began to realise her grandmother had been right and that her own words had been forgotten in her pain.

Chapter 28

Jack and Sue drove home in silence, he had been so proud of her tonight, he had understood how much it had taken for her to speak to Lizbet and Bobby. And he was in awe of her strength.

Jack turned his mind back to his conversation with Bobby whilst playing pool. At first they had been quiet, neither really talking much, both concerned for their wives, both feeling akward and scared. They had always been able to talk but this had been a difficult situation, their wives had come first, and that had been difficult for them both to handle.

but it hadn’t taken long for them to open up again and really talk to each other. He had been stunned when Bobby had told him he would have asked for a transfer in order to make it easier for Sue, it had made Jack realise just how close they all really were. And he admitted to himself that he had lost sight of that recently.

Jack had talked openly to Bobby of his own fears at losing Sue and how hard this all was for him. He was glad they had talked. He had a feeling that things between them would soon be back to normal. Their relationship went so much further than just colleagues and friends, and he needed Bobby's support and friendship at the moment.

Jack turned and looked at Sue briefly, he loved her so much, he hoped that talking to Lizbet had helped her as much as talking to Bobby had helped him.

He prayed for the day when she would see things in a better light again, but until that day he vowed to himself to support her and love her.

In what ever way she needed.

Chapter 29

Sue stood in the bedroom and looked around, it had been two nights since she had slept here, and things were so very different from that night, things were not so bleak.

Sue turned to the bed and looked at it for a long moment, she loved Jack so much, she had no doubts about that at all, but she had treated him so badly, her anger and frustrations coming out at him mostly. Would they ever be able to get past this she thought sadly, she turned and jumped at seeing Jack standing there watching her.

“are you ok?” he asked her gently, she watched his face, seeing the worry etched there, but also the hope.

She nodded her head, then shook it “not really” she told him with a sad smile, tears falling slowly “I am so tired, so very tired of the way I feel” she felt her emotions building, she felt anger at the way her life was at the moment, fear at the future, frustration at everything and the loss of control she hated. She struggled to find a balance but their was none to be had, and so she crashed.

Not into the darkness but into her own feelings.

Sue broke down into tears, the sound harsh and bitter, the emotions dark, the result cleansing.

Jack caught her and held her close while she wept, he held and rocked her, while she finally let go of the emotions that she had bound so tightly. And he wept with her, he listened to the anger in her tears, the fear and the pain. But he also heard the release, the truth and the hope. These tears were not about giving into the despair they were about turning to the light and letting go of the pain. Tears are so often cleansing, and that was what these did.

He had no idea how long they sat on the floor like that, her pain was so tangible, her cries so destitute but they were needed, so very badly.

There were no words spoken none were needed or wanted, not yet, they would come soon but this time was for letting go. Slowly her sobs subsided to tears, the arms that had clung desperately to him slowly relaxed their grip, but Jack only tightened his. Without realising it they ended up curled on the floor, Jacks arms and body protectively curled around Sues, his arm cradling her head. They stayed like that until the tears subsided to gentle sniffs and healing sleep claimed Sue.

Slowly and carefully Jack lifted her and placed her on the bed, he climbed in behind her and slept with her in his arms all night.

This had been a day for new beginning's, he just hoped they would continue tomorrow.

Chapter 30

It had been a week since Sue had spoken to Lizbet, and things were slowly returning to normal, Sue had a slowly started to see the sunshine again, each day was a struggle, the darkness still called but its power had lessened.

Lizbet had become a frequent visitor, she and Sue often shared lunch together, Sue had found that she could talk to Lizbet. She understood how tightly depression gripped and how hard it was to pull away from it, and with that knowledge she was able to help Sue.

Jack held Sue tightly each night as if afraid she would slip away and vanish, but Sue felt stronger for knowing he was there, he never pushed her to talk, but when she wanted to he was always there for her. And that helped more than anything else he could have done.

For that alone her love for him grew stronger, and with that love the world grew brighter and the darkness retreated further.

Sue had learnt many things about herself in this time but most of all she had learnt that she was not alone. And with that knowledge came strength.

It wasn’t over but she would heal, and she would face the sunlight again. And beside her would be her family.



The end



I have ended it here for two reasons, Sue has turned the corner but it will take a long time to recover, which would make this a novel not a fanfic. Depression is something that takes time to deal with and recover from, but as you all know…in six months ff time, Sue has recovered. I will leave the next six months up to you.

And also because I need to end it for me.

Thank you for reading and supporting, it has meant more to me than I can possibly say. Many of you have opened your hearts, now it is my turn. The healing has been more than just Sue, it has been my own. I faced my own demons in this story, and won

Thank you for your support, I couldn’t have done it without your support and encouragement

A big thank you to my special friends, for listening and sharing with me, it helped so much ( I hope you know who you are)

And a big thank you to Gerswhin (Jen) because without her I would never have found the courage to start this, she made me face my deamons and put finger to keyboard. I didnt have the courage to write this, but she made me see that I needed to do it.
and thank you for brainstorming with me when I hit a block.

You can find this story, and all of Taz's other stories here in her archive page. Comments are always welcome!