This story deals with a premature birth so readers are given that caution. Baby does not die and the story looks at a parent’s emotions, but since I don’t know who will read this or whether anyone has been through such an experience I post the warning.

If the rating needs changing, please do so

Lydia Ruth Hudson.

I’m writing this on July 4th, American Independence Day, the day Americans celebrate freedom from unjust British rule.

Today is your Independence Day…….. you’re not totally independent….. it may be that you never will be………. I like to think that you will always be a little dependent on me as your dad………. As I get older, leave the bureau I’ll need a focus in life, I’ll need to feel wanted, loved and needed.

If you love me just a fraction of how much I love you already I will be very blessed.

I hope you will read this as you get older and understand and forgive me if I am a little overprotective - your mom always told me off for being overprotective of her when we worked together and when she was carrying you, our first precious child.

As I said you aren’t totally independent but you are independent of the hospital care that has brought you so far.

I was so excited when your mom told me she was expecting our baby…….. I almost did cartwheels around the garden.

I made sure I was available for all the medical appointments, decorated the nursery under your moms’ supervision – she’s great at supervising me.

Each night I’d place my hand over your moms’ tummy, knowing that you were in there……… already you were the apple of my eye, along with your mom….. and talk to you……. tell you how much I loved you.

I don’t know if you heard me but I wished your mom could hear my words, so I’d tell her what I said and watch as tears filled her eyes.

When we went to sleep my hand rested over your mom’s bump, I would do anything to protect you both.
Your mom had a wonderful pregnancy, just a little morning sickness but after a couple of months she was blooming. Already beautiful in my eyes, she was now radiant.

After many discussions we picked your name and boys names. Had you been a boy we would have named you Andrew James Robert.

We sent all the scan pictures to your Grandparents; I’ve put our copies in this book.

We refused all the tests to determine if you would have any disability – as your mom said, we’d accept whatever child God blessed us with and as she pointed out to the doc, she was labelled as ‘disabled’.

The doctor tried to push us to have the tests and your mom got very angry, telling him there was no point since we wouldn’t be having a termination.

He gave up pushing then, gave me a look which said ‘how do you put up with her?’

But that is one of the many things I love about your mom – her sense of right and wrong, her determination.

We changed doctors after that, later decided we didn’t want to know what sex you would be, we both like surprises.

Your nursery is pale lilac, I hope you like it…….. I had a blast decorating it, putting up Noah’s Ark borders and the shelves which are filled with stuffed animals already.

Your Uncle Bobby rang his parents when we found out we were expecting and they sent a stuffed koala bear – cute, a kangaroo, not quite so cute and a duck-billed platypus – a very strange looking creature a bit like a beaver with a bill and feet like a duck but as your Uncle Myles said ‘what do you expect from a penal colony?’

I think it shows that God has a sense of humour, but then sometimes I look at your uncle Bobby and think he shows us that God has a sense of humour………. Don’t tell him I said that!

Bobby reckons that as your favourite uncle you should know all about the ‘most beautiful country on earth’……… I told him we fully intend taking you travelling around America but he wasn’t impressed.

This will be one of the last entries in this book but you will need to read the rest of your story to know why I am so excited today….. and relieved, and thankful.

You’re 12 weeks old today, but you weren’t due for another 2 weeks.

The day you were born, at just 26 weeks was the most frightening of my life, even more frightening than my heart attack or being targeted by a sniper.

Wow.

That's really all I can say. That was beautiful. I can just imagine Jack writing his daughter a letter like this. It's . . . I don't even have words to describe it.

Keep going, I can't wait to read more of this.

Great start! Love Jack's POV.

I'm glad we know she's coming home -- great link to Independence Day.

kav

what a wonderful begining,with jack writting his feelings,
but most of all Im pleased baby is ok and will be coming home
lin

Didn't expect you to post until Monday!
Wow! Exceptional writing, Cath! Amazing, beautiful!
Great Independence Day tie-in! Like Kav said, I'm glad we already know she's coming home. Look forward to reading more, though I'm thinking I'm going to need a box of Kleenex.

wow, that was an amazing post! And I am, of course, assuming Sue is the mother....or did you say in there somewhere that she is? I'll have to go back and look. Post more soon!!!!!!!

This is quite a long post but i couldn't find a place to split it

thanks for the feedback, i was nervous about posting it

Chapter 2

Deanne suggested I kept a journal, to enable me to express my thoughts, my concerns and my love. I wanted to pretty it up, so you didn’t see your dad as a gibbering idiot but she tells me I have to be honest……….., that if I pretty it up you will think of me as some kind of Superman rather than a vulnerable and frightened parent.

I told her that if you ever thought of me as a Superman type, your mom would soon put you straight.

Here goes.

April 11th

Today was like any other day, your mom and I were at work…., I’d effectively tied her to a desk now she was expecting our child. It drove her nuts but you both meant too much to me to allow her to come into the field with me unless I could be sure she was safe, so it was mostly to interview people……….. we’d had too many near misses in the past.

I’d been out all morning with Bobby while your mom had been transcribing tapes for another unit and writing up reports.

We’d met up for lunch and I should have known something was wrong. Your mom was complaining of back ache but thought it was because she was bending over at her desk for too long.

As the afternoon drew on the pain didn’t get any better, even though she kept getting up and walking around, if anything it got worse.

I called the hospital and they told us to come in so they could check her over, initially they thought she had a water infection but it turned out she was in the early stages of labour.

As they admitted her I rang D, our new Supervisor to let him know.

The hospital staff were great, they tried everything and explained everything to us but nothing worked and in a few hours she was in full labour and her waters had broken …. they had no choice but to deliver you.

As I held your mom’s hand the doc explained that they would monitor you both closely, that they had an incubator on the Special Babies Unit. Generally they were pretty positive but there was one Prophet of Doom who talked about bleeds in the brain……. infection…….. breathing difficulties…….. burst blood vessels in the eye……. mental retardation………… the list was endless but thankfully your mom was leaning over the bed trying to breath through another contraction while I rubbed her back so she couldn’t read her lips.

I told her to shut it; we had enough to deal with without the doom and gloom.

The team had turned up by then…….. did I say ‘team’ Lydia?......... I don’t think that word accurately sums them up……. us up……… a team can be a group of individuals who work together, and I’ve been in teams like that…… or it can be a group of friends who work together but even that doesn’t sum us up………. we’re way beyond that.
I don’t believe we’re just friends, more like a family……. we’ve been through so much together, I love each and every one of them and I know they love me and your mom….. and I’m sure you’ll grow to love them too…….. they’ll drive you nuts at times but I expect your mom and I will drive you nuts, but never doubt their love for you, Lydia.

Luce turned up with a change of clothes for both of us …….. Luce is married to Myles……. It was a whirlwind romance and they married a few weeks after your mom and I did – they found out a couple of weeks ago that they were expecting, so if you survive………. when you survive…….. you’ll have a little playmate or 2.

Bobby collected Levi from the doctors office since he couldn’t be in the delivery room – Bobby is married to Tara……… they married a month ago, no playmates on the horizon just yet but I don’t expect it will be long.

The other member of the team is D, who is married to Donna……. they have 2 children, Tanya who is 17 going on 35 and Davey who is 15. Tanya has been begging us to let her baby-sit since she found out we were expecting. It is my fervent prayer that we get to accept that offer.

Bobby is my second best mate……. he was my best friend until your mom stormed into my life. One of my many prayers for you Lydia is that you will be blessed, as I have been, with so many special friends.

Leaving me to look after your mom, Bobby rang our parents, Jonathan our Pastor, Deanne, Charlie and Troy.

I didn’t know at the time but Jon rang every family in the church and asked them to pray for us.

While I remained with your mom, the team stalked the corridors waiting for news from me and our parents who were now desperately trying to reach DC.

Unable to get flights since it was Easter week they chose to drive down. Your moms’ parents arrived in the early hours of the morning driving straight to the hospital.

My parents arrived late morning……. Dad had driven all night, he’d been stopped by the police for speeding, and then given a police escort to the State line when he explained the situation. They’d obviously radioed ahead because another vehicle met them and he had a police escort all the way to DC. Whether it was because they met wonderful police officers or because he mentioned that we worked for the bureau I’m not sure……….. your mom would just smile and say it was ‘the Fathers’ hand………….’

Lydia, we’ll have so many stories to tell you when you get older.

Luce kept saying ‘a littler faith goes a long way…………’ I just hope and pray my little bit of faith is enough for you and your mom.

I know what your mom would say, ‘It’s not how much faith you have but who you have the faith in which matters………….’

Your mom was so calm through all of this while I panicked…… we hadn’t started the birthing classes yet, figured we had plenty of time so we had no idea about breathing or panting, positioning, back rubs, nothing………….

Thankfully we had a wonderful midwife, Ruth who talked us through everything and stayed on well past the end of her shift to see us through. When your mom saw the name badge she smiled, a sign from God that it would be OK.

I felt so useless Lydia, I hadn’t got the first idea how to help you or your mom……… I’m so used to being in control, knowing what to do, making spilt second decisions…………. but FBI training doesn’t tell you how to deliver a baby and is even less help when said baby is very early.

Soon after you were born at 4 AM your mom started to bleed badly, the staff were working on you, setting you up for the incubator…. ……… and your mom crashed, went pale and sweaty……. The staff who weren’t with you panicked, calling for an OR and a surgeon. I’d been holding your mom’s hand and got pushed out of the way as they began to prepare her for surgery.

I stood there in shock, my legs like jelly…….. I could lose my wife and my daughter on the same day and there was nothing I could do to help either of you. I wanted to be with you but also with your mom and I had no idea which way to go.

As it happened the decision was made for me, the staff with you needed time and space to get you settled and as one said, I was ‘taking up valuable working space’ so I headed to the OR with your mom, stopping briefly to update the team.
I found out later she’d said it so I would leave and not see some of the procedures they needed to carry out on you at the time……….. at first I was angry at her words, then later very grateful that she cared enough to make me leave……….

Your mom and I continued to the OR while Bobby went out to update everyone and Luce and Tara headed for the chapel to pray for both of you.
Myles walked Levi and D rang Donna

I thank God for each and every one of them.

I kissed your mom goodbye in the OR and sprinted back to you having made the nurse promise a thousand times to find me as soon as she had news.

My heart was in my mouth as I entered the unit which you will call home until you are healthy enough to come home or…………. Ruth had come down with you and explained everything to me but I didn’t really take anything in……. all I could see was my beautiful daughter covered with a myriad of wires and probes, wearing a small hat lying under a lamp. You weighed something like 2 lbs, Ruth muttered something about everything being formed and needing to put on weight, but as I said I didn’t take much in.

As I sat beside the incubator and stared at you I had never felt so alone in my entire life, not even when I thought your mom was leaving for New York.

Wow! This struck me the most.

kav

Powerful post, Cath.

WOW cath what a post please god let them both
be ok lin

Wonderfully written, powerful post, Cath!
I especially loved these two bits:

wow...is right....i know a family who lost one of their premature twins about a year ago and the other boy is a miracle

I can't even imagine what that would be like. Poor Jack. I hope both Sue and the baby are all right.

Em

Chapter 3

As I sat beside your incubator watching your little chest rise and fall my prayers for you and your mom were mixed with my tears.

From the time your mom told me she was pregnant I’d imagined your birth but never ever considered this scenario. I’d imagined your mom sitting with you in her arms as we introduced you to your grandparents and the team as well as other friends.

I have no idea what your chances of survival are, what the chances are of you being disabled in some way……. right now my focus is on you my beautiful daughter, not statistics.

Gazing at you, my heart overwhelmed with love for you, I felt a hand on my shoulder, expecting Bobby to be there I looked up to see Deanne – she explained that she’d been praying since Bobby rang and felt compelled to come down.

You’ll love Deanne – she’s your adopted granny, she has a beautiful heart just like your mom. As she sat beside me she placed one hand on the incubator, the other on my shoulder and prayed for all of us.

I don’t cry in front of too many people, Lydia, Deanne is one of them but I broke down as she prayed - it had taken me so long to tell your mom I loved her and ask her out, we’d only been married 18 months when you arrived and I was terrified that I was about to lose you both.

I knew I loved you the moment I found out about the pregnancy, that first moment I saw you I knew I’d give my life for you……… I love you so much Lydia, just as I love your mom.

Not long after Deanne arrived Jon turned up – you’ll like Jon, he’s a bit wacky – preaches in shorts, t-shirt and sandals and that’s just in winter!! He was a breath of fresh air when he arrived at the church, a great friend – a few people have commented on his dress sense but he tells them man looks at the outside while God looks at the heart ……… if you ever need a shoulder or a listening ear or if you’re in a tough place he’s there for you, he has a warm and caring heart like your mom and Deanne.

Like Deanne he’d been praying since Bobby rang and felt God telling him to come down.

We were the first couple he married after he’d arrived, he wore a suit for the service but he was in shorts and t-shirt by the time he arrived at the reception.
Jon has a real heart for people, not just those at church but the homeless, the street kids, the addicts………. He likes to quote some guy who said the church is the only organisation that exists for the benefit of those who are not yet its members and he’s encouraged us to get out and do more instead of having endless meetings, so now we’re involved with care homes, special schools, the homeless, before school and after school clubs…………… He and Bobby get on great, although your mom reckons it’s because they’re both big kids and she’s told them that, just as well they love her……...

Deanne and Jon both had Bible verses for you…….. I’ve stuck them in the book, Lydia.

They’d sat in the car park and written them out for you, passing them to me as they entered.

As we sat in silence after Jon had prayed, I read them and smiled, my tiny amount of faith grew a little, giving me hope that you would have many days not just a few.

I knew what your mom would say, ‘there’s no such thing as coincidence, only Godincidence’……….. they both had the same verses, Psalm 139 v. 13-16.

‘For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers’ womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’

The staff allowed me to put my hand in and hold yours, it was so small I think your arm was as thick as one of my fingers, all I wanted to do was pick you up and hold you in my arms, to kiss you and tell you I loved you…….. I hope you know that through my touch Lydia.

As I stroked your tiny hand my thoughts and prayers drifted to your mom, my heart torn between staying with you or being with her.

The staff were wonderful, carried out regular checks, filling out charts, smiling reassuringly, telling us what was happening, supplying us with endless mugs of decent coffee which I needed. I’d been awake for over 24 hours and was running on caffeine and adrenaline.

After what felt like an eternity the doc came in to tell me your mom was out of the OR and was about to be taken to her room, leaving you with Jon and Deanne I headed 3 floors up to see your mom.

She was still asleep but beautiful, I held her hand and kissed her on the cheek hearing her moan a little and finger spelled ‘L-O-V-E Y-O-U before sinking into the chair beside her bed.

In the silence I wept again, seeking Gods’ help and strength to get through this. I had no idea who needed me the most…… your mom is deaf and the medics admitted no-one knew ASL so she needed someone with her to communicate effectively………. And then there was you Lydia, so small and vulnerable, needing someone who loved you, who could touch you…….. which at the moment is me or your mom because of the risk of infection.

I sat with your mom for a while as nurses came and went, running checks…….. I know she’s tough, I am usually but this was all tearing me apart watching you both fighting to live knowing there was nothing I could do to help either of you.

I didn’t get everything the doc said, something about your mom needing a caesarean for all subsequent births……. all I wanted to know was that she was OK.

I asked if he knew why it had happened, he had no idea ‘just one of those things………’ like your early arrival was ‘just one of those things’.
One ‘one of those things’ I could handle but 2 was one too many. Your mom always tells me that God never gives us more than we can handle but I would like to tell him that this was way more than I could handle right now.

After a couple of hours of sitting with your mom who was still sleeping I headed back down to you, after making the nurses promise that they would fetch me the moment she woke up, knowing she would be desperate to know how you were doing.

Poor Jack! I couldn't imagine what he's feeling...torn between wife and child.

I'm glad that this is hindsight and we know that everything works out okay!
kav

It is heartbreaking but great to read the emotions going through Jack...I guess in situations like these the father can easily get 'snowed under' when all the focus is on the baby and the mother.

One of my classmates from high school had her son last year after 29 weeks (I think) of pregnancy. Only after 6 months they knew he was gonna be okay.

I like the idea of celebrating the baby's 'independence' from the hospital! Is Sue going to be okay???

WOW what a heart felt post cath,and just how sad
it is for both jack and sue,
But mainly jack so very worried about the two people he loves
and cares for most his wife and daughter,pray to god that
they both are ok very soon lin

Another amazing post, Cath! The whole post was great but especially this:

I love Psalm 139:13-16!

Thankfully, I remembered the tissues this time!

WOW. What powerful, powerful writing Cath.

Chapter 4

I met your grandparents, Joanne and Dave in the corridor, Joanne had obviously been in tears for most of the journey to DC and Dave looked like he was pretty close.
After a brief hug I filled them in and took them to see your mom. Like me they were torn in two, did they stay with your mom or come with me to meet their newest grand daughter?
Reassured by staff that your mom was Ok we headed down to see you.

Parents were beginning to drift in to the unit, many were moms who had been sent home, who came early each morning and stayed late at night to be with their babies.
Dads came for a while then headed off to work, often returning early evening.

I noticed that Deanne was with you while Jon was chatting with other parents, offering words of comfort, praying with them…… I think he’s found another outreach field.

This man will do anything to avoid meetings……. he’s cut the number of meetings, not important ones like youth and children’s groups but the pointless business ones that last for hours and achieve little.

He said once that if God had held as many meetings as his church did we’d still be waiting for Christmas and Easter would never have happened…….. I’m not sure if it’s a quote or a Jon original but having sat through one where we discussed what coffee maker to buy for 2 hours without coming to an agreement I totally agree with him.

As Joanne and Dave saw you they broke down in tears, while I hugged your grandma, Deanne hugged your dad……. Jon came to join us and we prayed together before Deanne went to sit with your mom.

I owe these guys so much Lydia…….. they gave me all the support I needed at a time when my life was falling apart, without expecting even a word of thanks…….. like me they must have been exhausted but I knew they were in it for the long haul.

Jon took my phone to ring Bobby and my parents. The team had gone home when Deanne and Jon arrived; they still had to work that day and with your mom and I otherwise occupied they would be picking up a good deal of extra work.

We’ve still not replaced D – he’s interviewed a number of people but hasn’t been satisfied that any of them are suitable for our team.
One of the questions he asks is ‘how do you feel about working with someone who is ‘disabled’?’
Not that he thinks of your mom as disabled and she wouldn’t be working with them for too long and mostly in an advisory capacity or from home as needed but he likes to ask the question, to gauge their character.

So far the general opinion has been that disabled people don’t belong in the bureau…….. I’m not sure any of us want to work with a person who holds that view, we’ll still be spending time socially as a team along with your mom and Donna and I don’t want her to feel second class………. as a team we’ve worked too hard to let that happen to her, we all appreciate D’s efforts.
I guess when someone says they’d be happy to do so then we will have found our replacement.

I guess too that D is concerned about their general attitude…….. they could meet a Troy, a Deanne, a Joel or a Brian at any stage of an investigation and D wants to know they will be accepting of them, not seeing them as having less worth or value.

We had a few problems with Myles when your mom first joined us but we all backed her, told him to pull his head in and eventually he accepted her and they’re good friends now.

As you get older we’ll tell you about the incredible people we’ve met. Joel came to our wedding, he works in Chicago now, something to do with computers. It baffled me but Tara understood what he was talking about. Troy and Deanne will be prominent people in your life.

The staff tell me you are doing well, everything is stable, they need your mom to wake up so they can give you some milk……… I need your mom to wake up so I can believe she’s OK……..

You’ll realise as you get older that I am totally crazy about your mom, she’s a warm, caring, beautiful person, I told her that for the first time a very long time ago and have told her many times since but she doesn’t always believe it……… life without her would be unbearable.

You’ll see us kissing and holding hands and cuddling and I am sure that at times you’ll say ‘yeuk’ and we’ll embarrass you, just like my parents would embarrass me in front of my friends, but never ever doubt just how much I love her Lydia…… she is my life, my reason to get up in the morning…….. the day she became my wife was the happiest day of my life.

Today should also be one of the happiest, but it’s tinged with so much sadness as you lie in the incubator. As I hold your hand and pray my hopes and dreams for you remain the same; a long and happy life, good friends, to know and love God and know yourself loved by him, your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles………., a wonderful husband and children. Whatever job you choose will be fine with me. We’ll teach you to sign as you grow and begin to talk – I think you and I will learn together – I sign a lot now but there is still so much I don’t know…… your mom has been so incredibly patient with me, she’s made me want to learn more but I’m the first to admit I struggle.

Lost in my thoughts I hadn’t realised Jon had taken your grandparents upstairs until he returned with Deanne, to tell me your mom is awake and wants to see me. I feel some of my anxiety and tension fall away. God tells us to give him all our burdens and he will carry them for us…… I do try but so often snatch them back and try to carry them alone. I guess that’s why God sent Jon and Deanne to be with us for a while……… I wonder if it’s just me or if everyone else does it too.

By the time I reached your mom she was trying to get out of bed, longing to see you and touch you.

We all tried to tell her she needed to rest but she was adamant, her arms were folded across her chest and I knew we’d lost, recognising the firm look in her face and the set of her jaw…………. She was going and if we wouldn’t take her in a chair she’d take herself, and walk if necessary.

Your mom has a stubborn streak…. A very stubborn streak………. I prefer to use the word ‘tenacious’ when talking to her, but basically she’s as stubborn as a mule at times.

We gave up and helped her into a chair with the assistance of one of the nurses and headed to see you.

Holding your hand the tears streamed down her face and once again I felt totally helpless. Everyone had left us alone with you and as I placed my arm around her I knew she was blaming herself, I could hear her whispering ‘sorry’ repeatedly…. When we were alone I planned on talking to her about blame but right now it was more important that we had time together and with you.

My parents, Sam and Leah arrived soon after and, like your other Grandparents, broke down in tears as they saw you. Once again I was overwhelmed by a sense of uselessness.
Lydia, as your dad I want to protect you from the rotten things in life, to keep you safe and nurture you as you grow…… but right now there is nothing I can do other than pray, hold your hand and talk to you………

The staff whisked your mom away to express some milk which they then put in a tube which goes up your nose and into your tummy…….. the thought of how they did it made me retch and scared me but they are hopeful that the milk will help you fight off any infections and you will begin to put on weight. They told me you will be in for 3 months if everything goes well………… longer if it doesn’t ………..

Hopefully little lydia has that same tenacious streak as her mother!

kav

great post cath just hope babys as strong and stubbon as sue lin

Another wonderfully written, powerful post, Cath!

This is powerfully written, Cath!! I have had tears in my eyes from the first word!!!

I know Lydia and Sue are going to be okay!!!

Joy

Lydia has to be strong - just look at her parents!

Em

Chapter 5

We had quite a houseful for a while, not that I saw much of anyone at home, both sets of parents stayed and my mom kinda took over for a while. She was the strongest of the four, she organised the visiting rota for your mom so she wasn’t overwhelmed, fielded calls almost constantly from friends wanting to know how you were both doing, she made sure we ate……… hospital food is grim…… not that I ate much but we had to make sure your mom did……… some nights she’d sit with you so I could sleep on the cot by your mom, although I mostly slept on the bed with your mom, we both slept better that way.

If I was on the cot I lay awake worrying about you and your mom and praying…….. I think God probably wants to deal with my tendency to worry. Some nights my mom would look up and find me staring at you, she never said anything, just fetched another chair and gave me a hug.
My mom’s good at hugs, just like yours…….. in fact your mom is an expert at them, she knows who needs one and when.
The last time my mom hugged me was our wedding day, she and dad loved your mom the moment they met her, she’s special, not just to me but to many others too.

I’ve had more hugs from my mom since you arrived than I had for years, but it also meant I didn’t have to say anything……… not that I knew what to say some days and mostly mom didn’t say anything, just let me know she was here as long as we needed her, I think she gave your mom quite a few hugs too.

Sometimes as she hugged me I broke down and cried……. Your mom was still poorly and I was scared for you… if you had any illusions that I was Superman, they will have been shot down by that last comment …………

Your mom and I had a number of discussions about whether she was to blame for your early arrival, eventually she believed it wasn’t her fault but she hurt so much for you, that she couldn’t protect you and nurture you as she felt she should.

Still tired and weakened by the effects of the surgery on top of the labour she spent a good deal of time in bed, sometimes she would fall asleep in the chair beside your incubator. My heart broke for her as I held her in my arms while she sobbed, I would have given anything to take away her pain.

As the only two people who could touch you other than the staff we wanted to be with you day and night, your grandparents would stay with your mom while she was asleep in the day then bring her down to us when she was awake. I put my foot down about her staying in bed at night, pointing out that she needed her rest and we would fetch her if she was needed.

Lydia I think that must be the only time I’ve won a disagreement with her but I’m sure when she’s feeling better and we’re all back home I’ll be losing again......... you know? I can't wait to be losing the disagreements again

Loved this line!

Another wonderful post, Cath! Glad Sue started believing it wasn't her fault.

another fantastic post,Im pleased that sue
has excepted shes not to blame.
and the quicker they recover the better sue and jack
will feel ,lin

This is beautifully written, Cath!! I'm glad to see Jack talked Sue out of this being her fault!! It touched my heart that Jack couldn't wait to lose the disagreements again!!!

Joy

Jack's love for Sue is so evident in his words to his daughter.

kav

Chapter 6

I had planned on writing a little each night but it hasn’t worked like that, some nights I haven’t gone home, other times I’ve been too tired to write anything……. Often I’ve been too wiped out to do much of anything……..our parents have been wonderful through all of this, as have our friends……. I will never, ever be able to repay them for their love and support at this time.

As your mom got better she spent more time with you. We’d sit together by the incubator, holding hands longing for the time you could come home.

We spoke to the doc who could give us no reason why labour started so early, he reassured us that next time everything would probably go well and the baby might even be overdue……….. but your mom will almost certainly need a caesarean. He obviously realised she was blaming herself and went the extra mile to reassure her that it was nothing any of us did or didn’t do. ‘Lydia was obviously in a hurry to see the world…….. Sue, don’t beat yourself up…….’

As you mom began to cry I held her in my arms, wishing again I could take her pain away, her hormones are all over the place and I know she’s longing to hold you in her arms.

We’ve bonded with you Lydia, but holding your hand, stroking your skin and talking to you isn’t enough for either of us.

The staff have been excellent, they’ve talked us through everything they’re doing….. we’ve changed your diaper but nothing else yet, the wires and bits of equipment scare us……. We’re so terrified of knocking or pulling something and causing you more pain or distress.

The team have visited every day……… I feel desperately sorry for Luce, seeing you in the incubator has obviously scared her…….. I spoke to her a few days after you were born, told her that if it was upsetting her she shouldn’t feel she had to come.

She wants to come but Tara tells me she’s finding it hard, watching you in the incubator, not being able to talk to your mom about baby things. Myles decorated the nursery a week after you arrived, she wanted to tell your mom but with your life still in the balance she didn’t feel able to say anything.

Your mom was discharged 2 weeks after you were born and our dads returned home the following day, promising to visit each weekend and come down whenever needed.

Jon and Deanne have visited every day while Charlie and Troy call in regularly.
I’m pretty sure your mom has talked to Deanne, shared things she hasn’t shared with me, not because she doesn’t want to but because she can communicate easily with Deanne in her first language, tell her what’s in her heart where I wouldn’t understand…… I’m glad she has someone to ‘talk’ with but it’s at times like this I realise my understanding is so limited and I wish my signing was more proficient.

Your mom and I have done a good deal of talking and crying together, hugged and held hands beside your incubator.
We’ve settled in to a routine now, your mom and I are at the hospital by 7AM she expresses the milk you need and the staff feed you then we sit with you for the day. Your mom goes home each evening, sometimes I go with her, other times I stay at the hospital a while longer then run home……….. wherever I am I worry about the other one……….. I’m sure after this is over God will be dealing with my tendency to worry and trying to carry the burden, I hadn’t realised how much of a problem it was……….. I always thought of it as forward thinking, covering all the angles, reducing the risk of anything untoward happening in raids or takedowns…………..

Your grandmas have been wonderful; they’ve taken over the running of the house. Bobby collects Levi each morning and takes him to work, I think he’s a bit confused……… Bobby says he lies by your mom’s desk but he’s happy enough to go out running with Bobby each night before he comes back to us. I used to run with him each evening……. gave me a reason to go out when all I wanted to do was stay at home with your mom…… I told you I was crazy about her didn’t I?

We’re really blessed to have so much love and support at this time Lydia.
There’s one lady, Roxanne, she’s a single mom, no family or friends to help her……. Deanne and Jon have taken her under their wings and our moms are cooking an extra meal each day so she has something to eat……… hospital food really is revolting.
Roxanne had a little boy, Jacob born at 30 weeks, your mom and I sit with her and chat sometimes, he’s in the incubator next to you. When she has a break one of us sits with Jacob.

One of your Grams stays the night with you if I'm not there, talking to you and praying for you, as well as the other babies, they spend a fair amount of time talking with other parents and the staff.

I just love Jack's devotion to his little girl

kav

Another beautifully written post, Cath! Loved reading about the love and support they are receiving from family and friends, and how they are also offering support to the single mom.

We've always known Jack stands by those he cares about eg Bobby, D ... love how that solid support is now in evidence with his wife and child.

its lovely that jack talks to baby showing his
love for her like any daddy would pulling her through
trying to be strong showing his deep love for her mummy
what a fantastic story this is cath lin

You're doing such a wonderful job on this, Cath!!

I find it touching that this whole experience has taught Jack that he needs to work on his worrying!! I had to smile, his thought that his worrying was forward thinking, covering all the angles!! I remember when he said his quirk of straightening papers on someone's desk is a public service!! The world according to Jack - I love it!!!

The love and caring everyone is showing Jack, Sue and Lydia at this time is very heartwarming!!!

Joy

Chapter 7

Lydia……… you’re one month old now, thankfully there have been no complications and you’re putting on weight. They still have you on a ventilator to save you struggling to breathe. We held you a week ago for the first time and it was a magical experience. The staff took you off the ventilator for a few minutes; they wanted to see how you could manage without it.
As your mom sat with you in her arms we were both in tears. I don’t know how many photos we took and we had the staff take some of all three of us together. The docs are really pleased with how well you’re doing, your mom just smiles and says it’s prayers and love.

Bobby came to collect the camera and emailed pictures to your grand-dads and other family members then took copies to your Grams, the team and friends around DC.

Holding you in my arms was the most incredible experience and since that day we’ve held you 2 or 3 times each day………. It isn’t enough for either of us, we both ache to hold you longer, can’t wait for the day we take you home………. I think we’ll both spend hours just watching you sleep. Your mom says I’m already heading for ‘overprotective mode’……. I can’t imagine why she thinks that!!’

Both grandmas are desperate to hold you, even to hold your hand but it’s not allowed because of the risk of infection.

Tara walked in yesterday, your mom took one look at her and said ‘you’re pregnant………’

It was news to Tara but she took a test and she was……. So now Bobby and Myles are grinning like Cheshire cats and D is panicking about how he’s going to find 2 Agents, 1 Rota and an Investigative assistant.

You’re moving more and more in the incubator, waving your arms and legs, your mom reckons you look like Howie on a quiet day.

As I watch you I grieve the months of pregnancy your mom missed. She’s recovered well from the birth and surgery ……. She is incredibly strong both physically and mentally ……. much stronger than I am. Thankfully you take after your mom, not me.

I'm glad things are progessing favouralby. It must ache to have a child and not to be able to hold it!
kav

wow im sooooooo pleased things are working out
for the best,it must be hard for jack and sue not being able to,
hold or cuddle there little one, but at least now they can, how
protective jack will be although babbys like her mummy,but jacks over
protective with sue as well but then that cant be bad having him love and protect you lin

It's so good to see that Jack and Sue can now hold Lydia, even though it's not as long each time as they would like!! I love that they took pictures and sent them to everyone!!!

Jack, in overprotective mode, with a daughter - that could be scary!!!

Joy

Wow! What a powerful story! My sister was 2 lbs. 11 ounces when she was born and my mom had to stay with her for 4 months in the hospital (that was in 1965!). She said it was one of the hardest things she ever had to go through! I'm so glad that you wanted to tackle this very difficult topic and share what some parents have to go through. Keep up the fantastic work!

Like Tosca, my mom had my youngest sis 3 months premature at only 2lbs. We've still got the photos's of the docs measuring her against their hands. She was in the neo-natal unit for quite a long time and Jack's POV as a parent is just so real it brings back memories for me. I was only at junior school, but our daily lives were rostered around the hospital, just like Sue's and Jack's seem to be at the minute.

At one point, they really didn't expect my sis to live, but she was a fighter from the start, she is now 19, and I'm what mid 20's, and it all seems like it was yesterday. Very touching story Cath.

Wow. It's so touching to see a man let himself be vulnerable the way Jack is right now.

Cath, I love seeing Jack's opinion and point of view in this! So glad everyone is coming around them and supporting them. Keep up the amazing work!

I couldn't agree more.

Thanks for the feedback

Chapter 8

You’re two months old today and doing better than anyone expected. We’ve spent more and more time holding you, your grandparents have been able to hold you, they were all crying that day.
The staff have taken you off the ventilator and slowly the tubes and probes have been removed.
This morning the doc said they want to move you out of the Special Babies Unit but keep you in a while longer.
Your mom will be readmitted for a few days to be with you, you’re still being fed by the tube but if all goes well they will take it out and your mom will be able to feed you naturally….. I know she can’t wait.

Your Grams are still here, we’ve told them they can return home if they want to, but they’ve both chosen to stay with us…….. I think they’re worried about how long it would take to get back if something happened. Your aunts and uncles have visited from Ohio.

The team, Jon and Deanne still visit daily and Jon has been keeping people from church up to date. Because of the risk of infection there are restrictions on visitors in the special unit so often we talked with friends in the corridor, both of us got a real buzz from showing them your pictures.

After 2 months I expected people to stop phoning or visiting, nothing could be further from the truth, Lydia.

I’m amazed at the number of people wanting updates and promising to keep praying for us.
Your mom and I feel as though we’re being carried and upheld by prayer.

We had a couple of unexpected visitors; Howie and Otis heard about you and they’ve called in a few times and phone the pen each day for an update. They have wonderful hearts, Howie is a bit off the wall at times and will very possibly drive you nuts at times since he never stops talking. He drives me nuts at times but your mom has so much patience with him and he’s changed a great deal since we first met him, much of that is down to your mom, she’s an incredible woman.
Otis is very different, a real gentle giant bit they’ve both turned their lives around. I won’t say they’re good friends but they are definitely friends.

A real good friend of ours who visits almost every day is Charlie. He was your mom’s first friend in DC; he is a wonderful and generous man. He and Deanne will be our prayer partners; already they’ve committed themselves to praying for us all each day. They meet up with Jon to pray together, usually in the morning at Charlie’s’ but sometimes over lunch.

As I said, your mom is tough and has an incredible faith. She went shopping with the ladies yesterday, bought some clothes for you. She says it’s hard to find clothes for premature babies but Tara bought a little dress with Tigger on…………. Tara is a Winnie-the –Pooh fan and I guess she’s hoping you’ll become a fan too. In fact while they were out Tara bought you a big, a very big stuffed Tigger…….. then decided to buy two more, one for her baby and one for Lucy’s.

Bobby reckons Tigger doesn’t come close to a Koala on the ‘cute scale’, he’s had his parents send over stuffed toys for baby Leland……. They’re flying over a month before Tara is due so I guess you’ll have more stuffed toys…….. you could open a toy store in your room already!!

i can't wait for you to come home and see them.

how lovely so many praying for them,
loved the part about howie and ottis,hope this;
dosnt put sue and jack off having any more brothers,
or sisters for lydia, lin