This isn't Action in the traditional sense of the word, I have put in Action because the character is taking Action to change something about his life, this will become clearer I hope. However if it is felt that it shouldn't be in this category please move into drama as I don't think it is funny or a mystery!

Hope you enjoy this.

Soph

The Course of True Love...

I watched Sue as she walked into church, so completely at ease with her faith, sometimes I envied her simple belief in God. I felt my heart sink a little as she disappeared out of sight. Suddenly everything felt a little colder, a little less sure.

I’m sure that to her, her faith wasn’t simple, but from the outside looking in it seemed that way. She had complete belief that everything would turn out fine, through all the dark days she always told me it was her faith that kept her going. I don’t know how she can still believe, after everything that has happened to her, how she has come out the other side and still retained the belief that everything happens for a reason and that God will eventually make it clear. We have never really spoken about faith, just accepted each other and the way we live our lives.

When I was a kid, I went to Sunday school and I went to church, mainly because my mum made me, however it was the way of the world then, all kids went to Sunday school. I learnt about Jesus and the disciples, the parables and all that went along with that. I learnt the church service we attended when older off by heart, because I said the same things every Sunday, year after year. I was confirmed with my friends, because it was the thing that was done. I never questioned anything just accepted it all, never really thought about it, it was just part of my life. I guess part of that acceptance was the love of God, both him for me and me for him.

I stopped going to Sunday school and church on a regular basis in my mid teens. At that point other things started taking priority on a Sunday. After a few years I realised that I was starting to question what I had been taught all those Sundays. As far as I can remember it wasn’t anything specific that made my question it, no sudden event, just an awareness of other possibilities. I stopped going to church unless I was forced to and even then I didn’t take communion, I didn’t feel right doing something as important as that without being sure that was what I believed. My mother wasn’t too impressed, I got the feeling she thought I was just being awkward, but I wasn’t, I would have felt like a hypocrite if I had gone up there and taken communion. I didn’t talk to anyone about this, I just tried to deal with it in my own way, questioning the information I had been given as a child and comparing it to the way the world was and what I was learning elsewhere. I still believed in heaven, or something similar where we or our souls or some part of us go when we die. That was my way of dealing with death I suppose. It was the whole God and Jesus thing I struggled with. The way the world was and is, I couldn’t understand how someone or thing that claimed to love me and everyone else so much could let such awful things happen. I wasn’t the happiest teenager and I guess that was my way of rebelling, by ignoring those beliefs. Mind you, it wasn’t a major problem for me, I got on with my life, but I think it was always there in background. I suppose I fell out of love with him, if that is possible. I questioned everything like you do when a relationship falls apart, I went through the same emotions, I clearly remember being angry, but I’m not sure acceptance ever arrived.

Away at college I had too many other things to worry about, including passing my exams to think too much about religion and what it meant to me, college was where I developed my personality, where I became the person I am today. I was bullied at school and although I had a great group of friends I wasn’t sure of myself. College gave me belief in myself, that people liked me for who I was, no other reason. I was myself there, not anyone’s child, or anyone’s friend, I was me. This revelation took me further away from my childhood beliefs because I didn’t think I needed the support and love that was on offer, I was having the time of my life. Now and again I would have a deep and meaningful with myself, but I always ended up back at the same place, still questioning. When it suited me I believed, when I needed some inspiration in an exam, or with some work, I realised that without thinking I was talking to God, but not necessarily expecting anything back. I guess the things we learn in childhood remain with us throughout our lives regardless of whether we continue to believe in them. When I found myself doing this I felt bad, how could I ask someone I didn’t believe in for help?

i don't know who watched her but i sure can identify with them

cath

Wonderful start looking forward to reading more and finding out who it is

sounds like jack talking. am i right? well update soon, if there is second part. if not i just wanted to say that i loved it!

Who is this mystery "Sue watcher"?

Em

yeah who isthis. can't wait for more, i can relate to this i guess

Hmmm ... if it's Jack, there are several possibilities why they're there ...

I'm so very glad you're writing again, Soph!

Once I had left college, life took over. I was always busy, always had an excuse not to go to church when asked by family. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, I sort of did, I wanted to be transported back to being a kid, when it was easy to believe in God and Jesus. But I felt I couldn’t, if I went I felt I was being hypocritical, and by then I realised that I couldn’t stand people who said something and then did something else. As far as I was concerned, if you believed in something then you acted by that belief. I didn’t believe strongly enough or possibly at all to go to church and say those things that meant I did. I went to church when friends got married, these were close friends who got married in church because it was the perfect venue, the ideal wedding, not because making those vows in front of God was important to them. I decided then that I would not get married in a church unless what was being said meant something to me or my partner.
There were occasions when it was impossible for me not to go. I remember spending the service feeling uneasy and muttering the words I could still remember from my early teenage years. I watched the people around me and wondered how many of them were there because they truly believed, how many were there because they thought they believed and how many were there because it was where you should be. I never worked it out. Part of me wants to think that the majority of people were there because they have a true, strong faith, however I think the majority of people are there for the latter reason. May be that isn’t fair, I know I shouldn’t judge people by my own standards, but it is hard not to be cynical when you see the way people live their lives.

In the last few years the question of faith and belief has become more urgent than before. Why? Well I suppose it is Sue, her complete faith has made me look at it all again to try see it through different eyes, to try to be less cynical about it all. To constantly be in the presence of someone whose faith is so interwoven in her daily life, it is hard not to take another look at it all again especially when it is engrained in your psyche from childhood. I look at her and have total admiration for her faith in something that doesn’t physically exist, that you can’t see or touch.

I think that is where my issues are. I am struggling to have faith in something that isn’t seen, that isn’t felt with touch, that isn’t heard. For me to have faith in something that I can’t see is far too big, I like to be in control and for me that isn’t being in control, trusting something or somebody that much, is taking control away. In my life I like to think I have control over things. I control what time I get up in the morning, whether I am late for work, what I have for lunch, what time I leave (well maybe not always that last one!). I like to think I have an element of control over where life is taking is me. I control my feelings. However, that is changing. It started to happen the day Sue walked into my life and just recently it has been getting worse (or is that better?). My heart is starting to rule my head. This has never happened to me before, my head always ruled. It is scary what is happening to me, I have feelings stronger than I have ever known, I am in love with Sue. It is such a fantastic feeling, especially as I know she loves me back. I have never felt anything like this before, now I have finally let go of my control. Things feel much more intense than they ever did before, life seems so much more colourful, so much more interesting and that is why I am sitting here, thinking again about what I was bought up with and what I feel now.

Now I have let myself go and have faith in love, something you can’t touch, or hear or see, maybe I can let myself have faith in God again, fall back in love with him. Go back to being childlike. Children love their parents differently when they are younger, they have complete faith that their parents will never let them down, that they will always be there for them. Until you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don’t have that love again. That is what my relationship with God is like, as a child I believed in him unconditionally, there were no doubts. As I got older I started to see things that were at odds with what he was about and this made me doubt. I became more controlling of my destiny as I saw it and that made it harder for me to let him back in. Then I fell in love, different to the way I loved my parents, but in some ways the same. The belief that this person would always be there for me, that I could rely on them completely if I needed to. This love was exciting but also secure. Secure enough to let me start looking at believing in something that I can’t see, touch or hear. I hope I can find it in myself to find that faith again, to be able to have that belief would make me a stronger person, let me understand Sue better, make me a better friend. She said something to me the day we decided to take our relationship further, “The course of true love never did run smooth!” I remember it sitting here waiting for her, and realise that not only did it apply to our relationship, it applies to my relationship with God, because I am sure at some point in the near future I will open my heart to him again. When I stand at the altar with Sue I want those words to mean something to me, just as I know they will mean something to her.

As Sue comes out of the church, I look at my watch, I can’t believe I have been sat here for that long, I meant to go and do some errands. She walks over to the car and opens the back door for Levi, then gets in the front seat.
“Hey, did you get done what you needed to?”
I think about the reply and answer quite honestly, “Yes, everything is done now.” She smiles and I feel myself losing control again, but I don’t mind, I still feel safe.
“Next Sunday do you think I can join you at church?”

The End

Just a quick note to say thanks for reading. As I said if at the start if it shouldn't sit in action please move it to drama.

I was originally planning to post it all in one go but as I kept re reading it getting the courage to post it kept expanding so I decided to post it in two, hence the length of the posts. Sorry if they are too long but I struggled to find one place to cut it let alone two!!!

Soph

PS I wrote the watcher as Jack, but I guess if you want it to be someone else, David for example then it is upto you

No, no, Jack will do just fine. Bleech - David?! (just had to use this little guy)

Thank you for a thoughtful story, Soph. For a brief moment it seemed as though it was someone's wedding day but the emotions were not quite "there". This introspection of Jack's is deeper and richer because it was a more ordinary day.

Great job.

Jack would be just fine, sweetie! No David!!! <---- Don't you just love this guy? Soph, you did an amazing job in writing this, showing how Jack has been going through his life with little time for God and how love has finally put him back on to the track to God.

can't imagine anyone other than jack being in love with sue

very thought provoking story

cath

I loved the twist this story put on the proverb. Excellent!

Kim

i loved it, i can totally relate, some times i find it difficult to "see" or "feel"him around me, and then i start to doubt again, and then in an instant that can change again, it's hard, when i was younger, it wasn't difficult, now with everything that i have seen and been thru, well i kinda lost my pad there, after a long time searching, i think i'm on the right course again, i'm not home free yet, but i'm working on it.

thx for this, made me think i am not the only one with these kind of feelings

That was an amazing insight to Jack's mind. Faith is a very interesting topic to write about, and you pulled this off perfectly.

Jen

Loved being a party to Jack's journey back to God. I bet Sue's heart was singing when he asked if he could go to church next Sunday.

kav

Yes! Jack is perfect for the watcher.
thanks for the journey,
Terie

This is beautiful. And refreshing. In a way, I'm right there with Jack. But I haven't quite gotten to where he is now (in his newly refound faith). Hopefully, it won't be long.

I loved the meaning you gave to the proverb as well, a new prespective. well done, Soph, I missed your writing!

Great story, well done

What a thought-provoking piece, Soph!! Very well written, with a lot of heart in it!! I will be thinking about this for a long time!!!

No, Jack is the proper watcher, not David!!!

Thanks for sharing!!!

Joy

hmm i figured the watcher might be myles...since he's cynical and really all faith-believing.
never really figured jack struggled with his faith...but it was an interesting perspective/outlook.